Going through a tumultuous time only makes me value nature more.. I go out into nature and feel how fresh it all is, how it constantly cycles and renews itself without resistance and finally I can breathe.. There is no such freedom when I am locked up in my own mind and problems or even ideals and dreams and this is something I am having to learn the hard way.. How to be in reality and the present moment and my body not split off in my head.
I do respect Eckhart Tolle, he had a kind of suicidal breakdown, you can hear all about it if you listen to some of his talks and he talks about this prison of the mind and worry that robs us of the joy of being in the present moment all the time.. In one of his videos, he talks about lying in bed and being so at war with himself inside of his own mind that he wanted to die and then, as he explains it, all of that thinking just fell apart and he had a glimpse of freedom or awakening.. It is something I have been feeling more and more when I get off the bloody internet or phone to touch base with the here and now lately after I go to bed so crippled by the inward turmoil feeling like dying but know as soon as I do I will get a burst of energy that want to take me into life and the present moment.
Not to devalue technology completely, after all I am writing this post on a lap top but I limit my time lately.. I get to the point where I just have to get out of this digital world and yet nothing is wrong or right as I find great comfort through writing, even if I know, none of my ideas is totally new and original and I draw from all kinds of sources and teachings in my writings.
Anyway today I looked at the blades of grass growing and touched the autumn leaves with my hands.. Eckhart says even gazing at our hands is a distraction from the insanity or anxiety of our mind prison and I find this too.. What a divine mystery our human body is and how the ancient mystics understood so much more of it than we learn in our reductionist society.
Today I had to think what will happen if I have been fooled again and lost even more money to a scam, I cried a lot about taking the risk to help and then being penalized.. I wondered why I chose that.. It is simple someone asked for help and swore it is genuine and yet the demons of my mind say something else. But in the end what does it matter if I ‘win’ or ‘lose’ as some gifts come out of both and nothing is permanent or ever totally secure in this world? I am a kind person and others see that and try to use it.. It hurts a lot at times as I find it so hard to say no.
At such troubled times I go out into nature and seek my refuge there, as I find a way to open up my heart again to the perfect present moment free of all fears and mental resistance.