Back to struggling

I had a really tough start bodily today.. I did manage to sleep for the longest I have in ages but I am waking and not being able to get to the toilet before pee bursts out from the back of my tail bone..Luckily I am not wetting the bed but the backs of the bottoms of my pj and undies are saturated and I have to wash everything the next day.. I manage to get back to sleep but them am pushed and pulled all over the place

What triggered this was my Mum’s friend asked to meet for a coffee yesterday, partly it was going to muck up my routine but I said yes.. I managed it but she wants me to address the ashes situation which is that they have been left at the crematorium awaiting collection for nearly 4 and a half years now. . I feel so bad writing this but its part of my family being so avoidant and my other sister collapsing and not being able to help deal with it.. Its complex. The place my father was buried is a very long way away, my brother chose a family plot when he died in 1985 and his grave fell into disrepair due to my family scattering and not wanting to deal with emotions.. When I moved back here to my home town in 2011 I tried to address this with Mum and clean it up, we made a little progress and then my other sister tried to do a bit too.

When Mum died she wanted to be cremated and have her ashes buried with Dad.. When my older sister died in 2014 we had her ashes interred at the crematorium gardens close to my Nana’s..I well remember it was a beautiful sunny day when this happened and it was also a loving, moving,together day as we did this with my mother, second sister and as the gardener put the ashes in receptacle in the ground a bird flew past which I took as a kind of a sign..

The crematorium gardens are in a separate place to the cemetery where Dad is which always made me sad.. As he was so far away from his own home in Holland and then to have no one ever visit the grave on some level made me sad.. That said I am sure it would not have bothered Dad who often used to say “when your number is up, it is just up” and he may have wanted us to be happy, that said when he knew he was on his way out in December 1984 he said to me once “its not me I am worried about its your mother”, yes she had to be my priority so what the fuck happened to my grief when she remarried and I came back and then had to move away. I am really angry today why the fuck do I have to do all of this and carry the stress alone? Its just ongoing issues around disconnection, separation and avoidance.. this is not what being human should be about, we should be together.. But life is not ideal it just is not ideal. I have to accept it?

Anyway when my sister came good in 2020 we managed to go out there and organize a lovely new headstone for Mum and Dad together with angels on it.. We got lovely help from a younger lady there with this.. My sister actually mentioned the ashes when we spoke a few Mondays ago so when Betty brought it up I felt a bit put upon…If I wait for my sister to want to fucking face up and deal with anything it probably will never happen.. Look I am angry today I am not in acceptance at all and my anger is about more than this its about why the hell I as the youngest child have to carry the can over it all.. on one level I see that as a bit out of order but on another perfectly understandable.

Anyway digesting food today was such a problem. But we did get out Jasper and I to run around the park and I had a big swing on the swings there.. We then parked and did a walk to the milk bar close to the arcade where Mum had her offices and shops which was nice as a lot of people were out on the lawns area with dogs and having coffee, and we chatted to such a lovely homeless man who was so kind and had such a light around him. All i really wanted to do was sit down with him and shoot the breeze which calls to mind how when my living sister was on a rampage down in Melbourne she phoned and lambasted me for being in Al Anon yelling at me to get my shit together and help the homeless, though she does not remember this now it surely come out of her Piscean caring side. She was always helping everyone when she could and only ended up getting criticised then for running around too much and being supposedly ‘manic’ as a result. My family is not emotionally intelligent, empathic or insightful at all.

Anyway be careful who you judge and put labels on is all I can say..

After coming home an hour ago I had major attacks but writing helps.. I know i am making progress..look at me out and walking again by 10 am and living in the light most of the time.. Maybe this anger is just something I have to work through and has to do with the building tension of the upcoming Full moon in the Venus ruled relational sign of Libra opposing Aries which is about self assertion and Mars. When Venus and Mars face off there are usually arguments.. And for me this full moon always coming in the week around Easter brings forward the loaded polarity of an astrology configuration of mine where in the heavy duty energies of Uranus and Pluto in the first house ruled by Leo and the Sun (but naturally lorded over by Mars and Aries) faces off a stellium of the Sun Mercury, Venus, Jupiter, South Node in Aquarius and Chiron planet of wounding and healing in Pisces in the loaded seventh house of relationships.. My fellow man means a lot to me but thing get erruptive when I have to be the lone wolf (Uranus and Pluto in the first house of identity) due to the family alcoholism and neglect issues building up in such power and intensity due to not being addressed.

Anyway despite the fact of needing lots of quiet time and space to connect to my soul I do I love to be in relationship but at times those older family relationships feel like they take me into an excessively loveless place of death and entangelments around all of the past unresolved family karma.

Writing this has really helped me. Gosh I am grateful for Word Press. Writing helps me to ground and anchor and contain and in some way sort out the complex mix of underground emotions. Maybe if I allow myself to have ALL OF MY FEELINGS AROUND THIS in time that will allow me to take on the responsibility or say its too much without help.. But in some way for a Mum with no siblings Betty was that sister my Mum always longed for, she told me yesterday she misses Mum each day.. So she wants this resolved. I do too. I just wish it didnt all fall to me in such an avoidant and emotionally neglectful family.