on judgement and discrimination : some thoughts

To judge can often mean to get stuck in black and white definitions and may limit our ability to recognize all shades of gray. At the same time to negotiate this world we do need to discriminate. We make a thousand different decisions every single day.. These small (and seemingly insignificant) choices do affect us, the people we choose to get involved with, the way we choose to react or just allow ourselves to instinctively react all have consequences and results and life can have so many layers of complexity that at times discriminating can be a difficult process, at least it so often seems to be for me.

A moment ago I called my brother, I know I will not hear from him if I do not call him, I wanted to know how he is going due to the cancer treatment, I try to make a relationship but during the call the only thing he asked me about my life was had a taken any steps to upgrade my car.. its okay on one level, on another it makes me sad, but then when I chose to call I knew I may end up crying and feeling sad.. I cannot justify that to you but to handle how I felt after calling him I rang and spoke to a good AA friend and he said to me he saw it as a very positive thing that I had called, he also said what my brother does or does not do has nothing to do with me and that is very very true. Who am I to judge my brother? Who is he to judge me? I just then allowed a lot of tears to fall after making lunch without trying to grasp at my usual ‘stories’ of how bad he is for hurting me or only caring about money which is probably not even true, he may care deeply in his heart but not have ways to express that caring. Who am I to know. While it so often feels like he does not see me, maybe its not his job. Maybe the differences in our ages just make us very very different people. And no one is to blame for that.

Today I am letting myself feel life piercing me and I am working to be less defensive. I am taking the risk to move, to reach out, to be the one who tries but then when I get off the phone I realize that sadly in this day and age I hear from so few people, even less than a year ago.. This is the way it can go when we also lose connections with family members.

Today I took care of my life, I walked, I ate well, I did some writing, I let myself be in my heart.. I had that cup of coffee even though I get scared of what it might do to me because I enjoy my cup of morning cup of coffee.. I am also trying not to let my inner critic lambast me quite as much as it does.. My good AA friend was saying to me that sadly he is also super critical of himself, that in his life he finds it much easier to be kind to others and hard on himself. Lately I see how tough on myself I can be but I also see the times I justified withdrawal or avoidance when the adult thing would have been to front up. God knows I am so very far from perfect and so is the world and yet I want to take the risk of living it is, even as I fear the the imperfection of it may be lethal! Yeah strange that..

Today I will take the risk to live and love more and judge less while trying also to practice self care if that makes any sense..There are times I may need to surrender a sense of self and times when I need a very strong one to survive and keep my head above water in high seas. But then as I look around I see the seas are high for a lot of people on earth at the moment. No one gets out of here without struggling, knowing pain and loss and then there are also so many moments of and opportunities to experience beauty, fun and joy.

I also remind myself to be grateful for what I do have and make the most of that, instead of looking to what is wrong with me and the world, what is right about it? What is to be celebrated, treasured and cherished? Those are important things to focus on to uplift my spirit and nurture not only my soul but the soul of the world.

Published by: emergingfromthedarknight

"The religious naturalist is provisioned with tales of natural emergence that are, to my mind, far more magical than traditional miracles. Emergence is inherent in everything that is alive, allowing our yearning for supernatural miracles to be subsumed by our joy in the countless miracles that surround us." Ursula Goodenough How to describe oneself? People are a mystery and there is so much more to us than just our particular experiences or occupations. I could write down a list of attributes and they still might not paint a complete picture pf Deborah Louise and in any case it would not be the full truth of me. I would say that my purpose here on Wordpress is to express some of my random experiences, thoughts and feelings, to share about my particular journey and explore some subjects dear to my heart, such as emotional recovery, healing and astrology while posting up some of the prose/poems which are an outgrowth of my labours with life, love and relationships. If anything I write touches you I would be so pleased to hear for the purpose of reaching out and expressung ourselves is hopefully to connect with each other and find where our souls meet.

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6 thoughts on “on judgement and discrimination : some thoughts”

  1. I hear you… it is hard to talk to family, even harder to reach out to family when you know when you are done, it will hurt. I have 4 siblings, and 2 adult children. I only talk to one sister, and one of my children, on a regular basis and it has only been the past couple of years that our relationships have gotten better. When my life went to shit in 2018, I was ignored and avoided and it’s hard to get past that. I have tried tho with some, to no avail, even my youngest son, so I have learned to appreciate the family I do have. I opened the door to them, that is all I can do, it is up to them to walk thru.

    1. I am so sorry that you also know this pain Stella.. it really does hurt when the ones we most think should care just continue to turn a blind eye and a deaf ear to our suffering or else are actively disparaging and mocking or shaming as my family so often have been.

      It sounds like you too, have worked a lot of the painful feeling through.. its hard isnt it?

      I am glad you have one sister to talk to.. In a way my sister in care and I can share most and she is still stuck in looking to them sadly..

      Thanks you deeply from my heart for reaching out and sharing with me how this also resonates for you. I appreciate that a lot.
      Have a lovely weekend.

      1. Yes, it is really hard, but what choice do we have, other than accept their decisions? I hold hope that one day, they will reach out and walk thru the door I left open for them.

        It seems everything you write, resonates with me, and I learn quite a bit. We are all individuals, but we all share a similar story, that of being emotionally abused, no matter by who, and it is important for me to acknowledge that I hear you and your story. I know how much courage it takes to write these posts.

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