I wish I didn’t struggle with such self doubt, lately I have this feeling of wanting to end my therapy. I don’t know why just that my old trauma tires me out lately I really do not have the precious energy to keep feeding or going over it. Kat did say on Monday she felt like change was in the air, I feel it too and at the weekend someone else asked my help with money again. I think I am a generous person but this happening again makes me seize up the person asked if I was angry and I said I felt disappointed and sad but maybe I was angry. When I feel overstepped I pull up my drawbridge they then tried to challenge me on that but surely it’s my right to withdraw if I need to? This right was often challenged by abusers or invaders in my past.
No.one has the power to force me to do anything if I don’t give it to them. These days no one has the power to tell me who I am. I have a right to be myself, to say No, to change my mind but just when does this all run contrary to the nature of co-operation? This is where I can get a bit stumped.
The line may lay in the place where I start to feel depleted by these pleas for help. And I guess I am the only one who can feel energetically where that line needs to be drawn. Acknowledging when it shits me has not been easy and taking the risk to express it very frightening, but it is getting far easier than it used to feel in the past. And when I do it I notice my energy feels less messy or scattered
Emerging From The Dark Night 