A confusion : disappointment

Some days everything swirls

My sense of orientation upended

I struggle to stand

Startle responses make me check

And read every single sensation

For clues of safety

But the truth is

My signals have run amok

And today I know I will once again

Wake alone

There will be messages

Reams and reams of messages

From you or someone else

Longing to be seen, not to be alone

To be in touch

But often due to overwhelm

I will run

As far as I can

Just so I

Can breathe the air

Why can’t anyone see

How hard it is for me

How much I struggle

How much I try to be strong

And press on all alone?

I am beginning to feel it was

Always this way

And then grief just rises like a flood

As I wonder again

Will today be the day that I die?

I really am sorry

But sometimes this confusion becomes too much

And then I know you will be calling out

Into a vast canyon

Waiting on something

Waiting on anything

But in the end I know

All I will ever be to you

Is a disappointment.