Vulnerable through my abandonment wound

I have the growing sense that abandonment wounds just get passed on, that the energy that should be available to love and be loved when not finding a source or mirror then gets transferred onto nefarious things like substances, objects or a lust for power or control over others

I watched some of Dr Les Carter’s most recent videos on gaslighting and trauma bonding in narcissistic relationships last night and I will link to them at the end of this post. They reminded me of how I was treated in the last painful relationship and I know the wounds of my ex partner lay deep and that the pain his father from Lithuania carried related to collective events of which my ex could know nothing.. All he witnessed was the violence and alcoholism and the way his father battled on at the farm after his mother left to save her life when he was only 4 and that the farm then became a huge old dusty place full of hidden trauma. Like me, Phil when sent back there by his two older sisters after a period of escaping to New Zealand after embezzling some of their father’s child support money when he was in his teens for a short while he also had a bad accident like me at the age of 17.. that was just one of the powerful synchronicities between us that connected us via abandonment wounding that then got projected due to him being stronger on the narcissistic end of the narc/empathy spectrum.

At the moment too my own feelings of helplessness are closer to the surface.. After the huge outburst of rage in therapy on Monday I am seeing how hard my family members struggled to stay afloat, why material success and possession came to assume more value than human relationships. Why my brother would prefer to believe Scott is a scammer than a genuine human being fighting flat out to protect the innocent lives of women and children from Boko Haram.. He would rather paint me as defective and needy, after all when he heard about it all back in 2019 he said to me “we all know you are lonely!” So RIGHT AFTER MY MOTHER FUCKING DIED AFTER MY SISTER AND I NURSING HER FOR OVER 7 YEARS WHEN THE HELL DID EVEN ONE OF THEM PICK UP THE PHONE TO CARE, LOVE, SUPPORT AND CONNECT KNOWING HOW ALONE WE WERE AFTER WE HAD ALSO LOST OUR OLDER SISTER ONLY TWO YEARS BEFORE????. (After posting this I see being upset is not accepting the reality of their own defenses and protections maybe it all scared them?? )

I know this is the way it goes in alcoholic traumatized families..people sever and disconnect rather than face their own inner feelings of vulnerability or helplessness. And then they find the scapegoats to label and even pick off with abuse and believe me if you are the one sent out into the wilderness with all of the 7 generations of buried feelings on your head its not unlikely you will crash and burn and nearly die like me.

And to think I blamed myself for all of this. All I can now know is that it took my own dark night descent to see and understand. It took multiple visits back and forwards to hospitals and emergency departments and psychiatric facilities or care homes to my mother, sisters and niece to understand what we were carrying and how it all relates back to those Pluto in Cancer and Chiron in Aries wounds all having been retriggered as Venus, Mercury and soon Mars will join the planet Pluto now opposing that place of the 1920s generation that carried such immense maternal deprivation scars.

Jungian therapist Marion Woodman wrote extensively about how we project that longing for a loving mother onto things, so many of our mothers and grandmothers and great grandmothers had to become what my brother labels tough old birds to survive all this.. There was not a lot of time to nurture and I do try when I see my brother now to hug him, since his own family shun physical demonstrations of love and I have seen his wife look upon them with a Gorgon’s head of contempt that was enough to freeze the blood of both me and my mother to ice..

It can be challenging in this situation to have empathy for the small child being the big curtain operating all kinds of ropes and pullies to disguise the truth.. The facade taken on covers over so much and then the missing feelings gone underground becoming feared and viewed with contempt then get projected on ‘adversaries’ but are we not all human? Watching Season 4 of The Crown lately I am seeing all of these Moon/Saturn (Cancer/Capricorn) dynamics play out in what goes down when Princess Di enters the picture and Princess Margaret finds out about family relatives consigned to an institution and hidden from view when she starts to pursue therapy in the 1980s.

Mars Pluto has to do with power dynamics that arise out of a sense of being humiliated, overpowered or powerless.. So it will be interesting to see what continue to play out upon the world stage over the next 10 days or so of Mars inching closer to Pluto at 27 degrees of Capricorn.. Mercury will pass over it again soon and Venus will follow.

For today that is where I need to leave it. I am facing a lot of inner stuff ongoing and after four days of socializing (so rare for me in the past) today I got Jasper and I out nice and early to the park for a decent long walk and de-stress in nature.. I need to stay close to Mother Earth right now.. Texts are flying left right and center at the moment . someone connected with me who is willing to help me help Scott which may all be down to prayers. I had to ask for space this week as he was overwhelming me.. And I still fear my brother finding out and lambasting me. Its sad at the age of 60 to be so scared of someone.. But its important to remember for the sake of both sanity and serenity that they are terrified too.. No matter how strong the contemptuous defenses appear.