Our thinking can lead us into heaven or consign us to hell.. That is something I believe my own life has shown me.. Also carrying feelings of ineffectiveness and frustration derail our lives, not being able to take action towards helping ourselves while staying trapped in cycles of inner self rejection or self despair also keeps our life very small.. Fears also can limit us. Fears of what may happen if we take that step when taking that step would at least result in an outcome that could lead us further along the path or teach us about what choices and actions result in or bear so called ‘positive’ or ‘negative’ fruit.
Also not being able to be guided by what frustrates us in a healthy way means we get trapped in poor cycles and poor outcomes..
I just read a very good post from someone with long term sobriety and recovery on over thinking and taking action. These may be two opposing forces within the psyche and I remember well from my Al Anon days the saying “when I got busy, I got better”, at the time that seemed like running away to me.. To me, at that time the saying seemed like being driven by a compulsion and not being able to relax, possibly because when I was developing both my parents and then siblings were often too busy to notice me, at an age, but these days I see it relates to not getting crippled by the worry over those things, situation and people we have absolutely no power at all to change and then losing the sense of vitality, purpose and meaning in our own lives by focusing on the constructive.. At times I needed that (Isee now) but due to my lonely childhood as a youngster I had learned to turn away into a self comforting world. Yes, at a certain point in my sobriety introversion helped me a lot, because I had become so divided from y True Self that in many ways I did not really know who she was and most certainly could not always rely on other to tell me. But there were also times that introverting and collapsing and not taking action really did hurt my life.
Being blocked by my ex last week made sense.. At first it was like a slap in the face and I felt angry, after all during the relationship I tried to be the best partner and support him but it never seemed to be enough and at the time we met I was quiet lost in many ways.. I had fallen into a profound retrogression in the three years previously, but I do think I was beginning to undergo a kind of awakening too at that time. The awakening concerned not only this critical killing and shaming voice and force that lived within but also how conditioning and lack of support had led me to develop an inaccurately negative self concept.
Chatting to a close relative on Sunday she shared that due to our shared multi-generational background of addiction and emotional neglect she saw the inner critic as looming as a very large force in our family and that really makes sense of my living sister’s struggles. As I saw it back in 2020 it was on the brink of bursting out of that negative cocoon of self negation and shame that she got sucked back in and down again.
Julie shared with me on Sunday that the degree of energy she put into helping her mother with senile dementia in the last few years had shown her she was projecting a lot of her own inner child trauma and trying almost to heal her Mum’ s mothering and fathering wounds by proxy.. turning almost into the mother in the relationship but also not allowing her mother to be, at times, in the broken state that her own unresolved childhood abandonment trauma had caused.
When it comes down to what we may be carrying in terms of inner toxic self criticism and neglect as well as anxiety it may take a lot of work to uncover the roots of this and at least begin to cut ourselves some slack for all of the times we struggled, derailed our lives or mixed the mark considering the long history of it not only in our own personal and family lives but also in the wider culture at large ruled for hundreds of years by a limiting patriarchal mindset that has limited the feminine feelings a full range of positive expression.. The sharing of Asher’s manifesto yesterday concerned how men have, in this wounded society, come increasingly to identify with limiting roles and curtailed the depths of their own emotional and spiritual expression in favor of hiding, closing in and rejecting or abandoning their own more vulnerable, alive and child like spiritual or soulful sides.. This is why some feminism gets to me with its toxic hatred of the masculine when it lacks the true insight into just how and why men struggle as much as they do.. Let’s face it the statistics are not good.. Here in Australia now 7 men die each day by suicide and are 3 times more likely to attempt it than women.
When our inner world turns hostile , toxic, repressive, critical and negative it can be very damaging, but there is also, at times, too, the of loving, disciplined thinking that may help us to rise out of our fallen state that happens when the inner voices and forces we absorbed become not only life denying but killing on some level too.. Being able to reach out and admit we are not doing well and may need the help and support of someone outside of us who sees us more realistically is important..Admitting that we are vulnerable and struggling may open us up to love, while at the same time encouraging others to take off the mask.
That is something I did a lot of over the Christmas period in the absence of therapy..That said I am finding now I wish to focus less on my traumatic past and more upon what actions I can take in this day to bring more meaning. energy and happiness into my life..
I just got back from the dentist as they had to get me in early to take some impressions of my upper and lower jaw in order to get an extra tooth put on my denture to fill in for the one which lost its crown some months ago.. It was not pleasant having to rinse my mouth with horrible stuff they gave me on an empty stomach since with my digestion issues I did not want to eat before 8.30 am and I also wanted to walk Jasper a little before going out.. but I got through it.. and I got myself walking after leaving… I have had to leave the denture there and it will be returned to me later today.. This is the sort of stuff I may have found impossible to do before.. And the sad truth of my anxiety condition is that often it can tell me I can do a lot less than I really am capable of..
That is why this year I want to take more action and get less lost in trauma thoughts and the vortex.. Most days Jasper and I can rest in a sanctuary of quiet here surrounded by trees, birds, nature and lovely neighbors.. Last night on a walk around the block we met a lovely woman we had not seen before, these kind of magic moments of connecting do not happen if I stay in isolation…
At the moment perhaps I am finding better ways to balance the inner and the outer worlds.. I am thinking about what my path may be this year, focusing on ancestral trauma and how that is healing for many of us, reaching out in various groups I am a member of online or have been invited to join in the past week to share honestly, love and uplift others, perhaps start to do more with my astrology and writing
One thing is for sure 2022 is presenting opportunities to me and it seems to be a year in which life is asking me to open up.. I am feeling less pain and sorrow than ever before.. possibly the years 2004 to 2021 were all about feeling, healing and releasing those feelings, not only for me but for the collective. As I see it that work is happening too for so many people, for those who in these current times understand the darknesses we are being called to face can in time turn into opportunities to seed new seeds of life and light.