Anxiety and patience : and the slow unfolding of our soul path, some thoughts

Emotions and reactions can be so multi layered and complex, and I just saw a meme on Facebook that mentioned the link between anxiety and impatience which made me wonder if in a quick fix, immediate gratification culture this complex interdynamic is not a part of how widespread anxiety has become collectively.. After all we are not always patient with the slowly growing and unfolding natural pace, we can run from and hold on tighter and try to control things it would often be far better to loosen our grip upon and let go of instead of battling them. Many of us find uncertainty and change difficult, we do not seem to be that comfortable with illness, threat or death and at times our thinking and ways of reacting make things so much harder for both ourselves and others (and this could be all about me projecting anyway rather than objective information.)

This ss why I do miss AA meetings lately and why with therapy starting again tomorrow I am questioning the containers that I need to grow, what needs to be kept, what needs to be shed in order that my own slow process of healing, growing and unfolding can continue in more effective grounded authentic ways.

I noticed today at lunch time I was less racy, after a very slow start today, I drove to the nearby church with my late morning coffee, it was lovely to watch families leaving the 11 am service and in the car next to me an African family came and got into it slowly and then when I looked I saw the following words written on the front door of the drivers side (facing my passenger side)

Faith Hope and Love

There was also a glyph or symbol alongside it of a cross joined to a heartbeat monitor graph line which flowed into a heart. Looking at this and as a sensitive seeing it as some kind of message made sense and made me recognize how badly we lose aspect to these three qualities or ways of being when affected by trauma and when attachment bonds prove to be so unreliable or full of pain, heartache, let down or disappointment and betrayal.

This brings to mind a lovely passage in one of the letters to a young poet that Rilke wrote that many years ago I shared with a good friend shortly after getting sober.. In that letter Rilke urges him to be patient to all of the unanswered questions within his heart.. to love the questions more than seeking fast or superficial answers. This to me, too, seems a good approach to take in life. but not one that happens when a fear driven manic anxiety or trapping in fight and flight aspects of trauma happen.

Our hearts and past lives and experiences have depths and breadths and fault lines and abyss like places and there are then storms that can rise and fires that rage along with high seas at times… How well and how kind and how patient can we be with all of this and as it works out in the lives of others with whom our own lives or paths intersect?

For myself today I can see I never stop learning and feeling desperate is a good thing at times, conflict is a good thing at times, getting so damn angry I want to kill or scream or put knives into someone is a good thing (but only as long as I allow myself to act that last one out in imagination not fact) as all of these reactions form some kind of clue for me as to where to travel next and also of what may need to be lovingly self contained in patience rather than dramatically acted out in an impulsive scatter gun approach. That said life takes what it takes, so much that can seem deliberate to me is now revealing itself instead to be random and there are so many aspects of our own lives and the lives of others that lie outside of our control. And as we work to become more aware we can start to gain some degree of control and power over our reactions over time as well as becoming more able to decide just what thoughts or negative reactions we will be pulled under by or pulled off base by.

So much depends upon how patient we can be in the midst of uncertainty and with our emotionally laden triggers or Complex PTSD anxieties.. Sometimes action is need but at others, jumping to take action when that can be counterproductive can be a big problem especially when we suffer from anxious or avoidant attachment..

This is what I am learning lately to look deeper and to be more patient with those wounds, injuries, aggravations and sadnesses over so much I did not get or that did not work out while at the same time working to realize that just because things in the past went so badly wrong or were cruel, hurtful or disappointing does not mean that the present or future outcomes will be the same..

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