It appears to me that many people have a breakdown or suffer some kind of anxiety or depression if they do not deal with their past and ancestral past at a certain point, often around midlife when a number of important transits start hitting at the ages of 30, 41-42 and 50 and onwards. Posting about something on the Facebook Ascension page last night due to my ex blocking me on that site merely because I shared a post of his that was funny and humorous has helped me to see that so many others have grief work to do and wounds to address around earlier losses, often associated to a parent, and with Venus the planet of love and relationships moving backwards now that is essential work. During this six or so week transit old lovers may return and there may be a deeper reason for this or we may find ourselves drawn to understand or ruminate upon and explore what happened in those relationships at a deeper level and how it links back to earlier things like parental relationships and ancestral issues.
I certainly found myself experiencing a lot of anger in bed last night as all of the ways this person was mean and uncaring came into my heart and mind, that said, was it up to him to hold my traumatized wounded inner child in her pain? No, possibly not but he did not have to be as nasty and mean and shaming and devaluing as he did at the time.
When I came out of that relationship around this time 10 years ago he had decimated my self esteem and my body was in a state due to all he put me through.. He set the agenda on most things and if I did not respond in a way to suit him I got punished or ignored or the silent treatment was used on me.. So, in some ways, him blocking me on Facebook is just more of the same and I clearly saw what transits we were both undergoing at the time we first connected in April 2007 which helped me a lot to understand what was going on. in terms of opportunities for us both to evolve emotionally and spiritually. At that time my ego strength was too weak and I allowed him to overpower and devalue me too much.
If we have low self esteem, if our own ego is now well formed due to parental rejection or if we are carrying a lot as scapegoats or containers for the collective we can find a so called ‘stronger’ more magnetic person appealing because really it is the shadow in us longing for something we lack that we sense in this person.
At the point I met him I was only 18 months or so out of the second head injury and had been taking refuge at the coast for just over a year after finding it too much being overseas with no home base that I decided to come back to the house Dad built for us all in the 6 years before he died.. It was there that we met and on the first night we slept together I felt my entire body spin almost as if I was drunk and then I fell and hit my head and he promised to keep me safe but what really happened was the more he pulled on me and he had to prove to me time after time how much of a waste of space I was by ‘failed’ him by not becoming the present loving mother he craved The more I tried to stand my ground the more slammed me and I ended up falling about 3 other times as he targetting his own rage at his mother and sister onto me.. in fact he shared how abused his own mother had been by his rampantly violent alcoholic father over those first few months of connection. In his chart the Moon was in the soft sign of Pisces very close to natal Chiron and opposite to Uranus and Pluto in Virgo which hit my own Chiron.
Anyway we must have got together and separated about 4 times in the four years we were together..and along the way as he pulled me along where and when he needed me, if I expressed any emotion, such as when we went to be with his father who was dying he would just give me the silent treatment again or threaten to cut off contact with me if I didn’t toughen up. Looking back perhaps this was all a projection of what he was doing to his own inner child who had been so cruelly abandoned not only by his mother when she left or fleed his abusive father just to survive when he was only 4 or 5 but also by his two older siblings who escaped with him to New Zealand only to return him after several years to the farm in Drysdale, Australia where his father lived in abject neglect.
It was not easy to contain all of this at the time and in time things fell apart, as I proved to be incapable of so many things. When he finally let me go I was existing in an extremely under-minded state and also eventually returned to my family who were not nurturing and could never be due to their own wounds and inadequacies. I then had to face what really happened to me in the family growing up and all I had become a container for along with the ways I was and still can be enmeshed.
Phil cutting me off over the past day on FB was a good thing, I see that now. It made me reach out to understand more and ongoing battles in another relationship are also showing me how much I can be used at times but also am vulnerable too having had no one to rely on much as a small child, like my Mum and Dad also had no one much growing up.
Today I see after reading a comment about someone undergoing something similar that being alone and away from the crowd was necessary and even if the world slammed and judged me for that while I did the same it was not fair but in the end I needed a good therapist and that took me some years.
I am noticing the since the New Years and Capricorn New Moon of 2 January I am more upright and mobile from my sacrum and hips.. I got into a big tussle in bed last night after realizing I had been blocked and all the rage began to spin me around the spinal axis, I got off to sleep until about 2.30 and woke needing to do a big shit.. I know it was the anger and old stuff burning off.. There is no need to look back to Phil, I must move on. We could not validate each other’s pain sadly and I had to be alone for a lot longer to become stronger..
Possibly this is why in some ways things failed with Scott too. I am no longer willing to give and sacrifice as much for someone as I used to.. My Sun Neptune square shows me its hard for me to have a strong healthy well boundaried ego just like a lot of empaths.. This is where sharing with others who are more on that end of the narcissist/empath spectrum is essential at the moment. Melanie Reinhardt who is an expert not only on Chiron but on a group of planetary energies called the Centaurs and survived two near death experiences also was very clear back in 2005 that I needed to look inwards. She also pointed out that I was carrying a huge abandonment/betrayal issue with the Centaur Nessus in Taurus (Venus ruled) in my 9th house of ancestral migration, this dovetails with all my sister went through when I believe Chiron was in that sign around the early 80s as transiting Pluto in Scorpio opposed it.. What I saw her go through then in many ways shattered my trust in relationships and left me terrified of depending or trusting, something that hurt my ex a lot which goes to show that its always 50/50 in a relationship in terms of what can go on between partners.
Today I am grateful that I had no attacks.. I got on the ground with Jasper today had breakfast and got us out for a lovely long walk in the overcast weather.. I did not allow the pulling of all of that ancestral aloneness to bring me down.. I fought my corner and boundary with someone trying to make me carry their stuff today and reached out to help others who are trying to take their own past pain on board. So all in all it has been a good day, and becomes an even better day when I accept how essential and necessary being alone while staying grounded and connected to loving others on a similar path is accepting that all that is happening, truly is for my highest good .
Emerging From The Dark Night 