It is not easy if we have been conditioned my earlier neglect to be people pleasers or deny our own wants, needs and wishes.. when we begin to face what has been done and how we have been colluding we may feel a hell of a lot of what some therapists call historical rage. There may also be a lot of deep hurt over things from the past not fully conscious that can burst out of us in response to triggers, for those of us who used a fight response to deal with the long term effects of Complex PTSd.
Looking back, I certainly experienced this in around September of this year when the Sun went into my first house of identity and self expression…. I recall going over to visit my sister at Mum’s with some soup and venting a lot of anger (not at her) but at our situation as females in the family. At the time she just sat quietly but lately with her going down again on some level I am scared and blaming myself. Did my lashing out make her contain something and since she struggles to say that loud scream of No what was the effect.? As all of this contributed to her Parkinsons?
Even as I write this I see its once again perhaps making myself too much the center of things. But in view of this I just thought I would post this from Tian Dayton and since my therapist is not around to talk to for another 10 days I will just have to sit with this and wonder what is and is not appropriate to have expressed with such a loud scream.
Releasing Old Hurt
Today I really see what carrying anger and rage from situations that occurred decades ago has done to me and my present life. I have dumped not anger but rage from early wounds on those who surround me today and have seen them as responsible for my pain. When I am really willing to look at the depth of the wounds I carry from living in a (low nurturance) home, I can begin to let the past go. It is different from feeling sorry for myself to admit the full extent of my hurt and fear of abandonment. It is giving myself a chance to live in today by seeing yesterday, not as I wish it had been but how it was for me, understanding that no one meant for it to be that way, it just happened.
I see my hurt for what it was
If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself but to you own estimate of it, and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.
Emerging From The Dark Night 