Going under

I am wrestling the hugest inner sea at the moment.. I could never explain in a blog where I get taken.. To have my therapist doubt the fact any of my family loved me cut me to the core yesterday, but it makes sense as they did not protect or care about me as a precious person who needed that and so I do not know how to do it well myself either.. I turn against myself savagely all of the times… For example, just a moment ago in a reply to a valued followers comment about her children I told her I could not even have children and what a fuck up that makes me.. I clocked the self hate in this but left it in the comment as it is all around me again today..

This is just not fair on me at all. I did the responsible thing at 5 months of early sobriety when the last baby was a possibility or so I thought, and it was not easy to have my feelings in relationship in family EVER.. In fact I read a post the other day I wrote in October 2019 on the back of believing I had been scammed where I reached out to my older sister’s second sons wife and she shared that a while before she died Mum had owned the truth in a letter that as a profoundly sensitive child I needed far more than she could give me and that she then realized the degree to which she had let me down.. But on the last night before she died she was still holding my hand saying she forgave ME!!!

I do not want this hate to live in my soul. I want to remember my parents had deficits but my father valued financial and material things over us or Mum did.. As long as we looked good and kept it together to impress her friends that was what mattered at times. and she was constantly trying to improve me. . Yet still deep down inside I cannot help but feel that she did try her best to give me love but why was it always THINGS.. MONEY.. PROPERTY and why when I tried to have my scream over it did both she and my now living sister demonize me?

As much as I long for family right now Kat said to me yesterday the way I have been treated is insensitive and cruel. I cannot just keep sucking up and not calling it out.. And I am in fury with Scott too.. to have kept up that pressure on me.. A family friend who I can connect to on a real level rang yesterday and she said to me that she believes I am very fragile at the moment and that what he has done is not fair.. the truth is I try to be strong and I am but a times lately the grief, the guilt the unearned shame, the way I turn against myself wants me to take my life and I just find myself dissolving in tears all of the time..

The persecutor was back late last night telling me to end it that my life has no value.. I see this in the cold clear light of day and I all I know to do is to embrace myself in my woundedness, even as I sense an inner strength, lately I seem to be oscillating or swinging wildly between those two polarities (and I do believe Sagittarius rules the maximum split between the dark and light, instinctual and spiritual parts of us, also between the animal and the human!) My inner wise self today urged me to draw heavily on being raw and real in my blog as that and the support of others who were not really loved for their true selves helps me to know I am not just making all of this up as an excuse which is what my inner critic and an unfeeling society would have me believe.. At the same time I lately feel I have to start getting much more grounded in the present.. I am getting so tired of going back into all of the old injuries and trauma and sense of myself as an invaluable fuck up and giving this perspective life!

Even after therapy yesterday afternoon I was so overcome with emotion I had to ring an AA friend.. After I cried a lot and we spoke over the issue of self blame in addicts he said to me “so why all of the tears, why are you not singing and dancing and jumping for joy at being 28 years sober” part of me got that.. I still do not feel safe being happy, joyous and free while still working to bring insight to the huge backlog of ancestral muck I had to rise up out of and yet why consent to allowing myself to be dragged down into?.. This last eclipse at 13 degrees of Sagittarius hit in my fourth house of family roots and the ancestors.. As I shared recently at this time of year 157 years ago the family were getting ready to set sail for New Zealand. So maybe it is just summoning up some ancestral memory in order that I get an even wider perspective on it.

I also was overwhelmed with angst reading in Tony McAleer’s book on recovering from childhood carried trauma The Cure for Hate that a female ancestor of his was beaten to death with a fireside poker by members of the Orange Order in Northern Ireland by Protestants for being Catholic….. This ancestor was the sister of Tony’s father’s father.. So it makes sense of the way Tony in time became an abuser, so chock to the brim with carried trauma and hate due to being bullied himself as a new student boarder after his family moved to Canada to live from Ireland when he was just a boy. This stuff all gets passed on until its true root is acknowledged and light is shone upon that great depth of soul darkness and brutality.. For the soul quest is not just a journey of light, often as Jung noted and a dream of mine showed me, it lead us to a molten pit of hot muck.

How can love be possible in that kind of climate? Its just too horrible to contemplate that someone could be that full of hatred over a religion they could hurt someone to this degree.

It is not fun to read this stuff. At times I wish trauma did not exist.. I wish I did not read all about it, but what is the alternative? I got little reprieve from it last night. Even in the series Nashville last night Rayna the lead character got smashed into on the way home in a police car after being terrorised at knife point by a crazed stalker..

Being engaged with all of this dark history may be down to the strong Pluto influence around right now with Venus very close to Pluto and slowing down to drive its message home.. I really am feelings my own Moon Pluto depths.. This often feels like a heavy isolating darkness resonating in my family of origins.. With no family connections open any more I felt myself to be drowning in it at times and it was there I wrestled for those years 2011 to 2020 witnessing its impact on my mother and two sisters.. These were my role models, the ones I learned from and even when I got sober I was still in many ways looking to them which I now see was not healthy at all.

I must keep remembering that insight into all of this takes time.. And regardless of whether my parents could show love I want to love myself and even them.. Was it their fault that they carried as much as they did? That said as Alice Miller says only an acknowlegment of the pain we carry in our body soul can release us in in time from pain, hurt, fury and rage over it all.. the alternative is to act it out as Tony McAleer and so many others do.. terrorists, abusers, those who choose to spill hatred hurt and vitriol out there on social media.. So let us all PLEASE FIND A WAY TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE HUMAN DEPTHS OF THE BRUTALIZATION BUT TAKE STEPS NOT TO RE-ENACT IT. To pray daily too, to find a way to bear its heat, fire and powerful transformative intensity (Pluto) while not also turning it back in upon ourselves like a loaded weapon.

4 thoughts on “Going under

  1. Please know that your life has value. Please believe it. I wish you had been born to some who had treated you the way you deserved to be treated. The way your parents treated you wasn’t about you. It is a reflection of them. Different parents would treated you differently … and your whole life and future would have been different, too. Can you give yourself the future that precious child deserved, as an act of affirmation and self-love?

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