Heartbreaking

I just left therapy but Kat said something so painful a moment ago as I was coming to terms with the crippling and so hurtful and debilitating self blame I get subjected to internally as a result of being emotionally neglected and feeling grief over longing for connection with family

“I wonder if any of them really loved you?”

Love is shown in actions so why did I keep excusing their meanness?

That to.me is so deeply self abandoning and heartbreaking. But maybe ultimately accepting that heart break will free me.

Sadly we can reach for what is empty and toxic, but our hearts should inform us, it is just with no one around to help, hold and champion us in our real self, just how often do we make that the willing sacrifice?

9 thoughts on “Heartbreaking

  1. Oh, what a painful reflection. 💔 As children and throughout our whole lives I think feeling loved for who we are is all we long for. Not by each of every person we meet, but simply by someone, and I imagine the most natural of love is between parent and child. Yet even in children’s absolute innocence, authenticity, and helplessness how often that’s not so!
    I look at my kids as they grow so often and think, “My parents saw me like this, they saw my little soul. And yet something about me wasn’t enough.”
    My counselor takes a different approach then yours, though she might just be trying to comfort me I’m not sure. But I do tell her I know they don’t love me, it’s a realization I have only come to lately. She pushes back saying “they do, it’s just different, or they struggle to show it”.
    I don’t know what the truth is, but my heart tells me they never learned love and are unwilling to learn it now. So no, they do not love me, or likely anyone else. That realization cut deeply! Lots to process and reprocess from the past.
    Do you feel your parents or family were loving to others?
    Sending you love ❤️

    1. Im so so confused right now to be brutally honest. I really felt like dying today I just dint know what’s true and part if me us very angry with my therapist but possibly because deep down it REALLY IS TRUE but in some level since they’ve died I BELIEVE I REALLY FEEL THEIR LOVE SI.IS THAT JUST MAGICAL THINKING.???? I JUST DO NOT KNOW.

  2. I hear your raw pain in all of this. I wish I could give you a hug! This is heavy stuff for sure, your feelings make sense.

    Your reply about feeling their love since they have passed made me realize I was unclear in my original comment. I do think people who do not express/live their love may still have love in their heart. But when it is left unexpressed, the recipient of their love of course feels unloved. There is a desire to be loving in their heart (they do love), I imagine it like the desire to play the piano, yet if they do not practice it and live it it merely stays as internal love. The recipient won’t hear the beautiful music that is love. Sorry if this is a bit unclear. But I feel it is important to try to clear up, because I believe you when you say you feel their love from beyond. In whatever comes after life, maybe souls are freer to express what is in their heart and able to send that energy here. No one knows.

    Would you say they loved those people unconditionally?

    1. No no way is it unclear.. You are so wise and eloquent and you expressed that so beautifully.. I agree 100 percent .. My Mum was not loved and held tenderly either, but she wanted love as a child but did not find it so she could not learn that song.. but I think when the soul passes it sees this and it tries to make amends . at least the work of medium James Van Praague shows this..

      About them loving them unconditionally I believe so.. Nothing was too much trouble for my Mum when my living sister had breast cancer.. when I got it she struggled to even show up at the hospital.. that said maybe their two wounded selves bonded. I am not entirely sure.. And as far as my brother goes Dad could not do enough to try to help it but that was about succeeding in business so its murky as hell to me really.

      1. I am at a similar place in my journey and this is how I am starting to feel about my own family. It seems the individuals are loving no one unconditionally, and don’t even really understand that what they are expressing is missing anything. They don’t seem to believe anyone else is unconditionally loving either. It’s as if “unconditional love” isn’t real/or possible to them. As if they believe it doesn’t exist.

        I know all families and situations are unique though, but this is where my thoughts have been the past couple of weeks.

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