My grief over all of my life and losses feels very close to the surface these past days and since the Solar Eclipse a couple of days ago, and today is the 28th anniversary of my first AA meeting where I managed to find not only sobriety but a very deep spiritual pathway of healing. I was thinking of how trauma despite all of its pain also opens up a pathway to spiritual life as I watched the character Juliet in Nashville struggle in the aftermath of a plane crash that nearly kills her and makes her unable for a time to walk leading her to a church where gospel is sung as she struggles to come to terms not not only with survivor guilt (everyone else died in the crash) but with the desire for healing of her own adult child of an alcoholic wounds she carries..
Since meeting my friends on Friday I notice my energy has shifted.. I have been sleeping through until about 3 am instead of just for an hour and then am awake for 2 hours trying to breath, move, get upright, release my bowels and bladder (without wetting myself.. not always possible) and then adjust my gut and head digestion symptoms with a piece of fruit or tissue salt remedies.. There is a big release going on for me that also feel multi-generatiional as this was the time of year that my ancestors Thomas and Eliza were preparing to set sail in 6 days time with three young children including a 6 month old baby for New Zealand to Cornwall in 1874. It is also only 6 days until my Mum’s death anniversary.. A good friend and I have organised to have lunch that day as she lost her mother first back in 1987 two years after my own father died. Funny that how my Higher Power works connecting me to others with similar losses we can share and find comfort from/with. This is my friend who I shared recently lost her brother to cancer.
I was a bit worried earlier about how i will cope for the three weeks of therapy break which starts on 17 December. I am only with Kat now as I was helped through a Christmas break with another earlier therapist, Rae, in 2015 when she knew it was hard for me to be left unsupported for that length of time over critical anniversaries. A month long break with my UK therapist Wendy Bratherton saw me crash and burn back in 2001 after alot of my unresolved grief burst forward the year before. .I managed to stay sober but I moved back home then and a lot derailed but maybe that too, was all meant to be.
The thought I had was about containers for grief, where I can find this over the next 5 weeks leading up to Dad’s anniversary and over a Christmas where I am now estranged from family. I did think of seeking out or forming a healing group but I thought too a moment ago that even with the sadness over Mum I am so grateful to be alive, it is something Scott says to me all of the time.. “let’s just be grateful for our lives”
We still do not know if they will release him now the JAG team have taken things in hand and all monies have been paid.. For me we have been disappointed many times now since we first hoped to be together in December 2018… That said I think its all been for the best.. I am able to be alone now, with my pain and I also know as worried as he his, if it doesn’t work out I will be okay.. Somehow we managed to stay connected despite all my fears of being scammed and being cut off by a family member over it and arguing with others who just did not believe in him. Its all good. I understand why they reacted like that.
I am so grateful now to have really good friends who have their own deep grief, trauma, and inter-personal struggles and that is a very very precious part of being able to blog here. My 8th anniversary of blogging is 26 December.
What are your grief containers? Please feel free to share what helps you..Mine are :
A higher power
My dog Jasper
TV and movie depictions of the human lived emotional experience
Stories of trauma survivors and those who reach for love, wisdom, healing and understanding
And most of all poetry.
That is where I will leave you today.. Happy Monday lovely WordPress family. Wishing you every shred of peace and support as we make our way through the approach to Christmas and the deeply recollective time of yet another year drawing to a close. ❤