On fear : some afternoon reflections

It can be painful and ugly where fear takes us. When I think about how I lashed out about the psychiatrist to my brother and nephew back in August now, I frankly feel sad. It all came out of fear, not that the feelings of anger over what were happening were wrong or bad, far from it, but they also came from grief and a sense of powerlessness and I could have expressed what I had to say in a softer way. This came to me today after listening to a very powerful interview with the American activist and writer Eve Ensler on the Stage Show today that aired here in Australia on Radio National

There was fear of what I saw happening to her, fear that nothing her son or I did seemed to be helping or reaching her, fear over her suppressed feelings that seemed so buried and so silenced by that horrible ECT. Fear and anger she could not fight for herself but maybe fear too as she just seemed so vulnerable and emptied out at that point after trying and rising and falling and undergoing so much in the years 2003 to 2020 and even before as a small child. I was sharing some of this with oldest daughter of my older sister’s second son last night.. Her own Mum died of alcoholism related issues a few years ago and my grand niece told me of her struggle to detach, so similar t to mine.. Buried within that conversation were a lot of mixed emotions, I am sure, for both of us.

I am seeing also how I can tend to lash out when I feel scared, it is something Dad would say to Mum, that my mouth was my defense, when I feel I may be rejected or criticized and when I feel I have been doing my best but see how it falls short of perfection I can get angry and nasty.. It happened with someone on the weekend, I got the dates mixed up and missed someone’s birthday, the death of my friends brother had thrown me for a bit of a loop to be honest on Friday.. I was able to sort those feelings out by writing but nevertheless I lost track of dates and then being disappointed in myself also went on an attack of self justification which looking back was not really necessary and all came out of fear and not accepting at times I just do not get things right.

Anyway all we can do in life is own our part in things, like Alain De Botton says in his talks on ‘love’ we all come in with wounds and to blame others for this is not very helpful but if we are willing to own that and then seek or give forgiveness if there is contrition there hopefully there will always be available the possibility of repair in relationships.. That is what happened with my friend who chose to react with love not fear.

So it was a piece of synchronicity that I shared the preceding post from the Course in Miracles based blog last night. I needed to hear those words on love and to remember how, at times, fear can block my way to it.

Grateful today for being able to connect with a beautiful member or my older sister’s extended family last night. Jesse was wanting to know about our family history as she told me she feels such a strong connection to New Zealand. Although she knew my older sister’s husband was from there she did not know about our ancestral history there or the history of how my Mum’s and her father’s Grandmother’s earlier family struggled..

I listened last night after this to some of Mark Wolynn’s book on ancestral trauma being read on You Tube. the entire book It Didn’t Start With You can be heard on there and last night the section I listened too was on the core beliefs we carry as core sentences that often come to us from earlier wounds or losses that are not spoken of and the four ways a child may react to a parents carried wounding or emotional unavailability.. this really resonated with me and made a lot of sense of how my older sister struggled in the end in similar ways to my great great grandad who in time was exiled from some of the family due to his rages and alcoholism, but knowing now what he carried it all makes a lot of sense to me..

Coming up to my Mum’s birthday in 5 days it makes sense some grief rose up around her yesterday when I went to drop some things off to the charity shop she gave me yesterday. A huge wave of grief just poured out of me yesterday for Mum and all that she lived and how she struggled to mother when she had so little of nurturing love and physically expressed affection in her own life.. And of course my sister is on my mind.. I really do miss her even as I have found it so hard lately to have contact.

Its good for me to get a handle on my own emotions.. I need to see when fears and inaccurate perceptions or over – reactions may try to take me down, I also see how negativity at times wants to get a hold of me..and then I am also mindful that at times anger is a necessary thing that shows me where things going down do not feel right. Never the less the limits of my own power are real. I am still learning more realistic limits around what they are.. I see too that I often feel capable of LESS in my own life than I actually am when it comes to my own agency activity and life..And as much as I need to focus on and nurture my own life it can be okay to help others when that feels right to do.. Sometimes coming out of codependency and over giving out of our own wounds or deficits means we may swing to the other extreme forgetting all about healthy mutual inter-dependence.. being anti dependence is not a very healthy thing either for those of us WHO HAD NO ONE TO RELY ON. Trusting for us can feel so life defying and precarious at times and yet at times we do have to lean and trust, and ask for support.. Wisdom is needed in this regard for so many of us coming out of long term ancestral or multi-generational neglect and trauma.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s