The lost self struggling to ‘belong’

Intuitive guidance often leads me to do a reading on the days my soul feels all a bit at sea and with the Moon in Pisces today on my Chiron the ocean opened up listening to some music while I was guided to a reading on the struggle we have (when we do not know love and accept ourselves as we truly are) to fit in. The reading spoke of a how a child may try to force a puzzle piece to fit where it does not belong and the writer drew an analogy to their own life of how they did not feel they belonged in their alcoholic family and then struggled even harder to control, fit into and even manage others in manipulative ways to try and find that missing sense of belonging.

The reading really resonated with me and then I just though of how a feeling of love can well up in our hearts and how when we feel it it just flows towards a person, place or thing and yet sometimes our love flows in the direction of places or people who just cannot return it. Even though that might hurt for a while, I do believe if we can, in time, accept those feelings in they may teach us something and then perhaps ultimately lead us to places where we feel more complete and full.

I was also reflecting on Jason’s post I reblogged yesterday about being raised in a joyless family by an emotionally unavailable mother.. Jason shared in his post about a family ‘belief’ he was raised with ; that love and good things had to be earned. That post resonated for me having been raised in a home where affection was in short supply, by a mother that hit and raged rather than loved or hugged.

It is a sad fact that toward the end of her life as my Mum changed in this regard she opened up to me about how her mother never ever cuddled her or even told her that she loved her but also made her so often feel like a nuisance. My Nana was raised by an adult child of a violent alcoholic and her mother’s own mother fled from New Zealand which is where the maternal branch of our ancestors immigrated to in 1874. Sadly I think towards the end of his life our maternal great great grandfather was very much on his own, I have letters speaking of how he used to come home from the pub drunk at meal times and this time of day is the time I had that second head injury and the time of day I so often got my spins leading up to and following the second accident which happened overseas in the land of my ancestors one year nearly to the date after my ex husband told me he was going to leave me.

It seems to me that so often we suffer the consequences of patterns in family, laid down over many generation that get hidden and passed on in issues of emotional neglect and difficulty expressing and showing and allowing a flow of love to flow.. its one of the central points multi-generational trauma writer Mark Wolynn makes in his book It Didn’t Start With You..

In traumatized families one person may end up carrying the most overt damage or ostracism (and that role may transmigrate).. In my family it was my older sister and me but when Judy died that role seemed to shift to this second sister who struggled.. and still struggles.. When I think of her I just cry.. At least when she was in the other hospital I could go and see her and hold her hand and just be with her.. but it was never easy either knowing she was somewhere carrying wounds that had their origins far far earlier back as well as the pain over things she did that hurt me and the way I felt so sidelined by her family. Which reflecting after reading and posting this may be yet another one of my own optical illusions perhaps they experienced me as distant due to the way I did withdraw and react to certain things after getting sober in 1993

Today I allowed the tears.. I got angry with Scott again and blocked him due to this money issue.. That seems to be my default boundary when I do not know what to do.. That said I am not going to blame anyone for anything right now.. it seems at the moment we all struggle in different ways..

Here in Australia there have been protests in nearly every State this weekend over lock down enforcements as well as vaccination passports being made mandatory for entry into certain places. Yesterday police opened fire with both rubber bullets and capsicum spray… the divisions between us all due to a fear of death and contamination are escalating and it was par for the course seeing the Moon over past days passed over the conjunction to Saturn in Aquarius and square to Uranus in Taurus.. The two polarities between Saturn and Uranus are being clearly shown as Saturn rules rules as well as the enforcement agencies (such as the police and military) that enforce them while Uranus rules the drive for freedom from as well as rebellion against restrictions that may block living. Its hard to come out on either side right now…and yet we all have perhaps at times to decide what camp we belong too and then risk not only criticism but even perhaps more punishment or ostracism..

My post seems to have strayed from the start of what it set out to be a post about.. What I got from that reading earlier, though was a deeper insight into the way I tried so hard to gain control over issues so far out of my control and how my tears led me to a truth I could not have found the way to with just my mind.. the pain over certain divisions in my family has been so intense over most of my adult life and yet things are are they are..At the moment distance has felt the best way maybe due to the Moon being in Aquarius.. when it starts to move back towards Leo maybe another side of me will be brought forward. I do not know.. For today its been a good day.. I have been able to cry about things and smile as well and I gain great relief as usual from my blog.. knowing others struggle with difficult parental and family relationships leaves me feeling less alone..but I also feel for those mothers who sadly carried so much lack of joy and lack of knowing how it felt to be truly loved, accepted and embraced for who they were not for what they did or failed to do that that then had to be passed on in ways which many of us still wrestle with and struggle to bring empathy, wisdom, insight and understanding to.

2 thoughts on “The lost self struggling to ‘belong’

  1. Thank you’re for your post it puts a light on a fact that is masked in some families, especially mine when growing up. Present bodies without emotions, with a baggage of abuse, and a whole lot of unanswered questions.

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