You may feel love for someone and they might not feel your love, its a thought occurring to me today.. sometimes we really try with people but we miss each other, or one of the people involved in a connection or interaction comes away feeling mis-perceived or misunderstood.. Come to think of it we are all separate in our individual self, some of us are very strong in who we are and what we know.. For some of us it is easier to look at others and pass judgement like the blogger who told me today I am slow on the uptake, it could be the reality from his or her point of view, God knows the places my own head goes into some days and the head injury I sustained keeps my focus there several times a day especially when I eat, then its hard to orient in my surroundings and sometimes its hard to take in what someone meant by a comment or a poem they left on a post of yours just to be tongue in cheek or funny or even, possibly to take a veiled barb at you. I am not the sort to delete a lot of comments even those at times that give me a bit of a start.. I try to keep an open forum on here. there have been challenges around this of late…
I know I am far from perfect, when ever Scott tells me he loves me unconditionally, my first thought is why? In my family I was never enough of something at times and then at others I did not know how to connect at all.. Thinking back to what my sister wrote to me back in 2001 about coming home and not expecting us to be close that has most certainly panned out with part of her family.. For a while I kept my distance and then it became harder to connect, I did try though I know when Mum died I did pull back into my shell around the time of the funeral, I went alone and arrived very close to the start, I gave a eulogy and connected with one of my nephews but felt distance from the other.. It was an intense time.
So much had gone down in the weeks before with my older sister’s third son visiting out of a desire to build a bridge of connection to Mum from his own daughter and Mum was not all that keen, in fact he asked for her help to come down in terms of finances and she got shitty about it and I got involved which may have been a mistake I ended up loaning him some money after his daughter had a seizure on the final day after resting on the couch at Mum’s before they were due to leave for their flight that afternoon.. The seizure was scary and in many ways a repeat of what happened to Lyra’s grandmother (my older sister Judy) back in 1980 I remember that day how distressed my nephew was as Lyra lay frothing at the mouth on the floor and he yelled at me to call an ambulance, my other sister and Mum just stood close by frozen to the spot with fear and panic written all over their faces. Lyra was in hospital for some time and a few days later Mum had the fall that eventually took her out of life about 7 days later.
Lately I am trying to accept maybe most of us just will never be close as a family.. At the moment I just feel myself pulling back.. I got to the point yesterday where I felt the only solution was in the words of the AA Big Book to let go absolutely… I send love when I can but words have been written and said and they hurt someone. I do not take that lightly but I know how distressed I was by the treatment my sister was receiving this last time and somehow I just felt I needed to find a way to vocalize it..
Who knows ultimately what is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ and perhaps there is no absolute black or white answer especially when it comes to maladies of the soul and spiritual life.. When we lose our connection to the fire of spirit that sustains us and can see no light ahead, that is indeed a dark time but it can bear a lot of fruit for some of us.. For me lately I feel I need to panic less and meditate more.. I will keep writing but I am going to try to keep the focus on me..
It occurred to me over past days too that I forgot the words from Al Anon which state “let there be no gossip or criticism of one another, instead let peace love and understanding of our fellowship grow in your hearts” I did forget to do that and its rebounded………… I may never be close to or trusted by my sister’s oldest son and family ever again. I just do not know.. but in time I will be far more mindful of my words. While none of us like to be silenced sometimes silence is best along with a recognition of what truly lies within and outside our own particular sphere of influence ‘control’ or power.