Thank God for a friend : surviving lock down

This week has been a super tough one.. I got very angry about something earlier in the week where someone I trusted made a hurtful comment about Jasper, it got me into a spin and triggered a lot of my wounds. I didn’t have it out with the person who in their family uses this kind of off hand joke to put others down, I have seen the way the family members interact using joking and despite it not being something that I witnessed in my family in that way with us being so super serious it did trigger me. I had an extra therapy session yesterday not only for this reason but to handle how hard I am finding it at the moment not being able to bodily connect in therapy twice a week with someone, living alone it just gets so tough

I got so spun out on Tuesday I ended up leaving my car keys in the ignition and running my battery down completely..I only discovered it was flat when I was locking up to go to bed later that night.. So yesterday was all to do with organizing road side assistance to turn up and replace it.. That made the rest of the day’s routine as far as eating on time go right out the window, anyway I made it through, as I always do.

I just got out down by the lake, out of my head by focusing on my body symptoms as I felt they were going to take me under this morning. I had to keep trying to breathe and then I called someone in AA to have a chat about the anger issue and fears over my sister.. That was helpful and grounded me.. My sister is not picking up any calls this week and when this happens I get so fearful she may have made another attempt on her life.. I can understand why she may not want to talk to me so I just have to pray and not allow myself to nurture all of that fear her going out of contact brings up for me.

Luckily after the chat with my friend in AA my other good friend Jane called and she mercifully suggested we meet up down by the lake tomorrow as I told her I am struggling.. I did this with another friend last time we were in lock down and it saved me from the isolation that enforced lock down and increased social distancing can bring…

As I said after listening to all of the talks by Mark Wolynn I am trying to be in my body and out of my head as much as I can lately. I also have to keep a handle on when anger or fear gets triggered in me..I was mindful of the quote of John Bradshaw’s I shared earlier in the week that he has never met an aggressive person who was not fearful.. Anger and aggression are not the same thing, aggression comes when we may try to over power others out of our own anger or hurting places, sharing about it with my AA friend that was what i experienced at the hands of this living sister with whom I had such a very problematic relationship.. As Mark noted in that talk with Ben of Evolving Man I shared earlier in the week older siblings can resent younger ones and then the younger ones end up becoming a toxic garbage dump then for end of the line familial angst.. Add to the the complexity of what we inherit (and I have another post on that to share later on) as lately the ancestral linkages have been coming through loud and strong.

After prompted by an inner message from my ancestors I discovered yesterday that I was born on the same date (February 4) as two very significant deaths of father and son (however one of those two deaths happened 2 days and two years apart on 2 February… the son of William Trudgian, his namesake William occurred in 1833. The older William Trudgian was my maternal great, great, great, great grandfather.. William Trudgian died on 4 February 1985. Another interesting connection is the fact that my older sister died three years before my mother in 2014.. The date of Mum’s death connects to the death of another two of the older William’s children occurring in December 1818. They died on the same day at the ages of 18 and 20 respectively and their older sibling Mary was also taken on the 1st of November which is the date my mother was born in 1924.. The degree of loss on that side of the family is huge and I have no doubt it fueled the grandson’s addiction (that is my maternal ancestral great great grandfather Thomas who left New Zealand in 1874 56 years nearly to the exact date that the older William Trudgian’s other children Thomas and Honor passed away in the year 1818, William lost another child, possibly to the same illness 6 weeks prior to the death of the other two.. to lose 3 children in such a short space of time must just have been so deeply painful)..

Thomas’s own mother died when he was only 13 his father Samuel ended up remarrying and apparently Thomas and his step mother did not get on and so he left..14 years later with his wife Eliza and the first three of 17 children.. One of these children died one month after Eliza and Thomas arrived in New Zealand in 1875 and she bore the same name as my maternal great grand mother Eliza Jane.. A second baby Eliza Jane also died before my maternal gg grandmother was born the 11th of 17 children in 1882. My own father lost his father at the age of 12 also in 1932 and he also left his country behind to emigrate to a warmer country (maybe a reason why I cried so deeply while reading that Rumi poem I shared online with my therapist in yesterday’s extra session.. the crying really came from deep deep down inside of me.)

By yet another strange case of synchronicity my mother ended up marrying my father John Willemsen which I found later in my life after asking a Dutch friend in Holland actually means son of William.. That just blew my mind yesterday.. Plus the fact all of this ancestral stuff to do with William Trudgian was made available to me by someone I met at the dog park about 7 years ago and was related to me distantly through the wife of William Trudgian… Grace Bone.. it was such an interesting name we both were amazed to find the connection that links us both back to the ancestral lands in Cornwall when our friendship deepened at the dog park. My ancestors all lived around the parish of St Stephen in Branell…more on this later, but I am so grateful the angels connected me with Claire back in 2014 and led her to contact me with all of that printed out information she found on ancestry.com… Reading through it all and linking all the cyclical connections is bearing a lot of fruit. It is helping me to make sense of just so much with such hidden deep roots on our maternal ancestral side. I cannot wait to share it with my friend tomorrow who with her Dutch background links me back to my father’s side.. life truly is so mysterious and amazing on the energy linkage level.

Published by: emergingfromthedarknight

"The religious naturalist is provisioned with tales of natural emergence that are, to my mind, far more magical than traditional miracles. Emergence is inherent in everything that is alive, allowing our yearning for supernatural miracles to be subsumed by our joy in the countless miracles that surround us." Ursula Goodenough How to describe oneself? People are a mystery and there is so much more to us than just our particular experiences or occupations. I could write down a list of attributes and they still might not paint a complete picture pf Deborah Louise and in any case it would not be the full truth of me. I would say that my purpose here on Wordpress is to express some of my random experiences, thoughts and feelings, to share about my particular journey and explore some subjects dear to my heart, such as emotional recovery, healing and astrology while posting up some of the prose/poems which are an outgrowth of my labours with life, love and relationships. If anything I write touches you I would be so pleased to hear for the purpose of reaching out and expressung ourselves is hopefully to connect with each other and find where our souls meet.

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