I am feeling so completely lost today its hard to even find words for where I am. Partly it may be due to having therapy on the phone but also has something to do with a widening schism between old and new worlds.. so hard to find words for this. Phone therapy during lock down can be disembodied and brings added complications, the other day we had a disconnect due to Kat being interrupted while I was touching base with something really significant around me being left uncontained and vulnerability to an inner critical voice, it came up yesterday and she told me she felt she had failed me.. Me being me I tried to see the extenuating circumstances, after all it was not her fault we are in lock down here but still she said I had right to be upset.
Having my boundaries respected (and this also happened with Scott today) is so foreign to me it almost feels painful to me.. (perhaps as a reminder of how rare it ever was in my life before!) So strange this. that to face the prospect of being so fully seen known and supported almost brings up something unbearable to me. maybe why I have been grieving and grieving today about all of the schisms in my life involving me in places and situations I did not belong. I have been reaching deep onsights lately anyway into my internalized inner critic but it doesn’t change the current living situation of my life which at times just feels so disonnant and wrong (is that even a word? WordPress does not seem to even recognize it.) That said I am also just feeling so confined even in my clothes today a top I put on this morning feels too tight (not due to me gaining weight) as if when I bought it I was body dysmorphic or some other kind of dis related to disconnected from the reality of my body and being.
I got out in the car with great deal of effort this morning but my head feels all twisted around. I did listen to another very interesting talk between Ben who runs a channel Evolving Man and Mark Wolynn yesterday afternoon. The guy in question was a recovering addict and his family was rife with difficult energy and trauma though none of its wounding was consciously accessible to him until some way down the line in recovery. He goes into a great deal of detail about it with Mark Wolynn and during the talk between them he describes many aspects of my own emotional neglect trauma/attachment wounding that I have shared so much about on my blog and is common to many of us who end up with addictions as a symptom of a more profound inner disconnect and painful ancestral legacy of trauma. Ben had a problematic abusive relationship with an older bullying brother and a mother who had been physically abused as a child and was very cold emotionally. When he spoke about that coldness it really resonated with my own early home life.
To be honest I’m over all of the ancestral pain of my background at the moment. I know it is no use to reject the pain I have to recognize and release it.. it truly hurts me to see where it took me, how frozen and numb I was myself before I started to ‘thaw’ at about 6 years into sobriety but also how all at sea and vulnerable I was in AA as a highly attuned if emotionally distorted empath and HSP. Personally I am questioning everything I thought I knew about being an ’empath’ lately, however it does seem the youngest in a trauma laden family both suffers so much downloading of collective angst and is also more than highly likely to crash and burn so to awaken and work on their own and the family’s healing. Ben who interviews Mark on the video below is a trained counsellor himself and runs men’s groups. I hope any male followers will find what he shares helpful. So many men suffer due to lack of positive fathering and mothering in this world which is why finding positive emotionally connected male recovery buddies is so essential on the thorny path of awakening. That said the answer to our own emotional truths and inherited trauma can only be accessed through that inner intuitive connection.
Today I am also feeling our collective fracture with truly earthly centered loving interpersonal intimate engaged embodiment. I’ve been getting weird texts from friends about the current state of our anxious, increasingly socially distant touch deprived universe. We are in our third or fourth week of lock down now and I’m feeling so much separation. This is why connecting inwardly and to earth is so important right now. I didn’t do it yesterday and I’m feeling the lack of grounding and balance severely today, so after writing this in the car near our local park I got out onto a tree lined street and just connected with a beautiful oak tree and the earth… I felt more connected and present bodily after that.. I then got myself back home to finish this post up on the computer..
We are in the dark of the moon right now too.. An old cycle is closing out as we prepare for a very significant New Moon in the grounded earth sign of Virgo.. Sun has been here for about 14 days now and at this new lunation they meet at 14 degrees of Virgo… in fact re-editing this now the Moon was exactly “new” around two hours ago.. that is 11 am Eastern Standard Time in Australia. New Virgo time reminds me of both my father and brother.. My Dad’s birthday is in 6 days and I rang to wish my brother a Happy Birthday yesterday, it was a really lovely chat.. I got on with him well.. I felt a lot of love and affection for him.. He is so lucky in that he is close to all of his children and grandchildren in a much more engaged way than my Mum ever was to hers.. I know they suffered too due to her own lack of nurture (she found it hard to connect to then as does my living sister). It was difficult for her to accept and love her grandkids unconditionally some got shadow dumped by her.. So it goes in families with narcissistic wounding due to multi-generational trauma but lately I see how much the women got the angst in our family.. my brother had less of a struggle but his daughter also bears the brunt of this force that seems to have paralysed all of the females not one of us has had a partnership survive.. My niece is a single mother and the father of her son wants nothing to do with him.. its just so so sad but it relates to my great great grandad leaving his own father behind in 1874 a lot was coming up last night in my dialogue with him inwardly last night after listening to several of Mark’s videos.
My feeling is that all the female siblings and our only niece suffered a deep deep wound to the feminine feeling nurturing side having to grow up too fast and give too much but not out of our own emotional fullness. We also lived the ancestral separation from partners theme all four of us.
More insights will come for me I am sure.. There is still a lot of deep psychological insight into the complex tangled web of attachment and bounding traumas and tears in my family going on inwardly. Sadly the lack of positive bonding really affected me and it made me so fearful of other relationships but right now I am working hard to love and not shame my inner child.. really she needs me to hold her in the way Mark Wolynn describes at the end of the blog I am sharing on core sentences below the video link posted below that I mentioned earlier in this blog.