Family has a huge pull on me.. Today I got a sense of being a small child still wanting so desperately to be related to my family and being the very youngest them being so far out of reach.. It frightens me at times the power of this buried need and longing and especially since Mum and Dad are gone the fascination with their lives as the soil we each grew out of in different ways is enormous for me.. But am I too obsessed, so obsessed that that obsession leaves me still unborn, unformed in some way? Or is this just the critic again? .. Today its bothering as well as scaring me all at once.
I rang to chat to my older brother this morning mostly out of love and to see how his daughter is, having been struck down by siezures for some time. She cannot drive and so be goes over each morning to drive her son to school.. That is an act of love and my brother has been so distant at times and involved in work, following Dad’s pattern that maybe something old is trying to heal? I do not know only that his North Node lies in the sign of Cancer and has to do with mothering and nurturing and on the area of my father and mother’s Pluto in Cancer (Depression and World War Generation)..
I do not know how much of that my brother got on an emotional level being birthed out of War and then spending time in a war torn country for part of his young formative life. I actually shared with him today that I got in touch with a man who has made a DVD about my father’s squadron The Netherlands East Indies (NEI) 18th squadron whose mission was to defend Australia against Japanese Invasion during the War, and also help after the Japanese took over the Netherlands occupied East Indies.. It was on a trip to Australia to collect some of the planes required B25 bombers that my Dad met and fell in love with my Mum marrying her on the 14th of August 1941.
I actually asked my brother a lot today about how he and Dad first got involved in building and property development, it was during the time the builder Dad had hired to build our new house in the early 70s went bust and in the end my sister got sent to Nanas to live while I stayed in that cold big house with Mum and Dad as they continued on with its construction.. Later in life Mum told me this was a very very tough time in her life as well.. My brother and Dad went on over the next 14 years before my Dad died to become very successful medium density property developers.
At that time we actually left a very lovely little house only a short distance away where I had made good friends with the next door neighbors a boy my age and a girl a little older.. They had a Scottish father who loved to joke around and was not as distant as my own Dad.. In fact today Gary told me that Dad never spoke about his past at all with him, of his family in Holland and I shared my feelings of sadness with him about how Dad also disconnected from his four siblings following his move to live in Australia in the 1950s. It was really tough lonely and bleak for me when we moved to the ‘big’ house.. number 88 where so much later death and destruction as well as traumas and tragedies would befall us from 1979 to Dad’s death in 1985.
But none of this stuff is about my present life, it all involves my family.. My brother has no sense of anything laying underneath or possibly he does but it all lies silent.. I then called my sister to connect as I know she never hears from my brother and feels next to no real connection with him and even though my brother has been helping my sister’s son with a house design and has been in regular contact he had no idea they had to make a big move a few weeks ago..I also try to share things about my older sisters sons but it seems not to matter to my brother at all.. So why do I seem to have this desperate need to connect them all? Is this not just all a projection of my own wounding?
My sister cannot remember anything much at all about her early or later life. after all of these bloody meds and ECT… I fill her in on things .. I read some of the post on anger and grief from John Lee I shared here last night and she said she found it powerful. I feel my sister was never allowed to be angry.. angry with the Nun’s who would not let her learn and play a Dean Martin song for my Dad’s birthday.. Angry at the mother who sold her piano out from under her due to it being too noisy and interfering with my older brother’s sleep when he had to work nights at the family restaurant, angry at the little sister she had to mind due to Mum being emotionally absent after school (but she got this anger out by slamming my teddy a Koala Bear in the door one day after school when we were alone and shattering the little music box inside it that played Waltzing Matilda.. when repaired it never played again!) Angry at the husband who used his own anger at his own mother against her in form of sarcasm and demeaning abuse under the disguise of puts down and ribbing. (The word sarcasm actually means tearing of flesh and is common to a lot of children of alcoholism or adult children of alcoholics!)
My sister says also she does not feel worthy or good or perfect enough.. I honestly share how i feel the same at times.. and that this condition has a name Self Love Deficit Disorder.. she tells me she feels lost and I talk to her about how lost we get when we are not seen in a family and how tough it so often can be to be in that third child place, so much harder in some ways than it may be for the youngest (or possibly just as hard but in different ways.)
There are long silences where she tries to absorb what I say, everything in me willing her to love herself, to find her true self, to be her self but then I get off the phone and feel like I am dissolving. ILike i am drowing in the family soup and will never escape with my health, life, hair, body in one piece.. I question are my messages from angels real or just something I make up inside my own head to feel better and justify this salvation need I have?.. I do not know the answers dear reader but never the less I will lay out the questions and thoughts and experiences and insights I draw here in my blog.. possibly to help others, most definately to help myself..
I was able to cry on the phone with my sis today sharing about how I miss Dad and how I suffered from his (unintentional distance) my brother could never understand that as Dad was a young father when he was born in 1944, Dad was 24.. When I was born Dad was 41. But how can the relationships be the same they worked together and yet Dad never spoke to him of his family or his young life/ I sensed so much in my Dad lying in the shadows he never spoke of and it makes me want to draw close to my brother and it is me who must do that work for my brother does not seem to want to try to connect, or maybe he gets something from our calls? I do not know. All I know is I do love my brother. with a love no longer conditional upon him knowing me but based upon my own loving compassionate desire to truly know more about what formed him outside of my desires for him to be a certain way with me.