These feelings : invisible

These feelings will come and go

I know

Fueled by an ever present

Deep underground sub-tone

That rises and falls

This frustration that I feel

Over it all

Will sometimes explode

In therapy

Or in the solitude of my home

With only Jasper as my witness

And not being human

He will not know

What this storm is all about

Sometimes it seems I stand

So far apart from myself

And then my lingering glimpses

Expand to encompass an emerging reality

Obscured before

By childish things

There was a longing I could not deny

But there was also a part of me that always knew

Things were cold

Around our family home

And so if as a two year old

I see myself held tenderly by her

With a look that speaks of unruptured innocence

And joined hands

Held together

Pointing towards the heaven in prayer

Then maybe there was always a part of me

Connected to some larger knowing

And even as the wild seas churned so deeply

Sending all of these shock waves

And hidden currents of feelings beneath

Was I really ever drowning

Or just learning how to ride the tides?

All of these feelings come and go

They rise and fall

As more and more I see

I was never the architect of it all

So why the hell with all the pain I underwent

Did I try so hard to save everyone else

Only to be left completely alone

When I needed anything?

Sadly lately I am seeing

Just how invisible

I really ever was

To you all