So much grief bursting through whenever I am sharing or feeling lately.. I cried so much reading my Blue Lion poem in therapy to Kat yesterday.. I have lived every line of that poem.. I also met a friend earlier and when we started talking about the events spanning June 2004 to December 2005 I just could not hold back the tears.. She told me she feels I am finally owning every part of my story and life, she compared it to a tapestry.. It is deep feeling work I seem to be doing lately, and the sky and nature seems to be mirroring this with lots of rain falling this week. I noticed this started with the Sun moving into the watery sign of Cancer and Venus is there too right now.
I am crying a lot thinking about my Mum too these past days. I just folded up a lavender blanket she bought for me when I chose to stay in isolation at the coast house for two years after my head injury throughout the long cold winters.. That place is a summer house and was not at all cosy.. this was an act of love. She didn’t put pressure on me and offered to help me move back to my home town but sadly I could not do it. then, still had another 5 years to go in the wilderness going into the terribly painful relationship with Phil in 2007.
Reading the stories of other trauma survivors who had emotional neglect issues I am seeing that we chose to stay isolated when we do not trust in being fully received and not rejected emotionally by others.. Luckily I can cry with my friend Jane and she validates me I have several friends like this in my life now, we need this permission to let the full force of our soul open and burst out of us in order that we can be more fully psychologically born. And my dog Jasper is great for opening my heart with too.. a moment ago I gave him a huge but not intrusive cuddle after folding up the blanket.
Life feels soft and gentle when I let myself be in my little cocoon.. This is Cancer Moon crab in shell time so its a good time to retreat, it seems to suit the mood of winter here in the Southern Hemisphere (Australia). I slept pretty well last night though Scott was withdrawing from me yesterday.. He said how i react at times really scares him and he feels just awful when he hurts me.. his exact words were “I hate myself when you are hurting or angry”. I tried to explain that sometimes anger is a cry for connection but as Kat explained in therapy yesterday sadly it often ends up driving the emotionally repressed and unintelligent away.. To be able to bear a friends anger and be with them in hurt is a big deal but only easy when they are owning it as theirs, having it projected can hurt and sometimes we really DID DO SOMETHING TO MAKE THEM ANGRY.. even if at the time it seemed like the right thing for us..
The capacity to hold and bear with intense emotions is important in truly loving another person unconditionally.. My friend told me a sad story today of how a teacher recently tried to label her grandson autistic.. My friend was a teacher and is very up on childhood development and trauma.. she told me that the little boy had a bad trauma when young and that is affecting his capacity to interact, but that he is also very gifted and good with drawing, in other words just because he does not fit a preordained mold they are trying to smack him with a label that is not accurate.. I am glad Connor has his Grandma to advocate for him, how many other children do not get fully seen, understood or empathized with?
This sort of thing makes me both angry and sad.. Emotional neglect is another thing.. Kat said yesterday to be left as a child without adequate attunement, mirroring and validation is terribly wounding and so we retreat but we may have a special inner world and lots of other skills to comfort our hurting self… this is what my poetry does for me, for some it is art, for some drama, for some dancing.. for some story telling.. These things may give us containers for the sadness or anger and we may seek to find ourselves in other’s stories or art or drama/performances and poetry too.. Especially when the adult or institutional worlds around us fail us or become like opaque panes of glass we may be forced to look elsewhere and for sure our soul will lead that search.. for the soul always longs for us to see, know, hear, value and validate it.. I thank God for that gift from my friend today..and I am grateful to be open to the tears lately t allow them out is really freeing me up and helping me to relax a little.. at a very intense time for me.