Reconciling with past sorrow : morning reflections

I had waves of so much sadness last night.. I was watching a British drama on a woman whose husband dies, it was moving and just feeling that UK energy made me homesick and sad.. I thought of my time there with my husband, of those special early days when we were staying with his Mum at Woody Green in Cambridge and of the two willow trees, one at the front and one out the back. I thought of our shared dinners and my attempts to find my first job and of how his sister helped us to find a lovely terrace house to rent from one of the Cambridge dons…. those early days there were spent cycling through the meadows and exploring the town with its cobbled streets barred from motor cars and getting to know his two sisters and Mum better.

I realized last night I will always carry this sorrow over our time there coming to a close while knowing its ancestral too.. and today on my ‘Dutch’ shelf which is a part of my study where I have number of photos, one of me outside a cheese shop in Holland taken two years after Dad died, one of my father taken on his 60th and one of my Mum and my Aunty Lies (Dad’s oldest sister) I cried so much looking at my Mum. I saw her vulnerability and thought of those times we clashed and I ran away from her in anger not understanding that she had to put the lid on her own grief in so many ways.. she invaded and hurt me at times and often left me alone but later in life she honestly tried her best.. I am really missing her right now, usually I am comforted by the idea she is close in spirit but today the sadness and pain in my heart and gut goes down very very deep. I am seeing deeper today.

Mercury turned direct yesterday at 16 Gemini and I seem to be more in my body, not as dissociated as I had been for so many years. I had an afternoon tea and trip to the National Library bookshop with one one of my Mum’s best friend’s yesterday and that triggered a lot of memories I think, this lady also worked for my Dad and brother so she knows (or knew) then well.. It’s a lovely connection we have and her parents made her move to Australia from Scotland when she was only 10 and this scared her.. she told me yesterday they would not let her bring her beloved possessions, such as her dolls she said to me yesterday even now she throws stuff out as a result.. Sadly lately my sister told me she doesn’t want to see Betty, but being loving she keeps on visiting as later my sister did not even remember saying this..

I felt a bit guilty yesterday not visiting my sister due to this other outing.. she actually called me to see how my lunch with my friend went on Sunday, that was the first time my sister has picked up the phone to me in 4 or 5 months.. I had to do most of the talking but just that she reached out to see how I was meant a lot to me. She also told me she loves me again.. that is happening a lot lately.

We are having some rainy days too.. I struggled a bit yesterday with negative feelings but letting that sadness flow again last night did help. I slept pretty well after waking several times. I had a huge amount of rage coming up over this money issue with Scott at 4 am.. he keeps assuring me he will be out of there soon but there is a part of me that does not trust this or feel safe or secure, when I told him this it was pretty much a case of ‘get over it!’

The tough thing too was that yesterday afternoon I heard that demonic voice saying inside my head that it will not allow him to love me or be anywhere near me… I am still not sure what this is between the two of us, as I keep saying to him for a relationship to show its true colors me must meet in real life.. and to be honest sometimes I fear past sadness and regret either holding me back or poisoning my point of view..I know enough to just hear these voices and take them as information.. they cannot possess me completely when I make them conscious..

This is the path of inner work, making what is not conscious more accessible to consciousness. I have heard it described in one Jungian psychology book as ‘reclaiming land from the sea’. Much of our emotional past stays submerged both in our body and in our psyche but on the path of awakening we are given glimpses and opportunities to integrate especially so during Mercury retrograde and 12th house transits.. .. insights both into the personal as well as the collective unconscious.. it is just some of us are more open to this process than others..

Venus is in Cancer now and in my 12th house.. the order of planets entering Cancer has been Mars, Venus, Sun and soon Mercury will be in Cancer.. we also have the Capricorn Cancer full moon in a day or so.. Full Moons tend to shine a light on our emotional depths too so I will be particularly interested to see what comes up for me over the next few days.

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