Sometimes i see my heart as a room in the room there is an opening and a spiral staircase that leads up and down.. I know I travel along this staircase as I do the work to open my heart in all layers and levels, maybe flying around this spiral staircase are small spirit beings that whisper words of encouragement, at night when I wake I am spiraling and unspiraling, I have glimpses of past trauma like the time my ex screamed at me when we were in Sydney I had gone for dental surgery and he used to get so angry if I disturbed his sleep and he woke to hear me in the toilet almost strangling in fear and he just screamed at me.. Sometimes I had to cover my ears to stop hearing his rants of hatred towards one of his sons.. I get it, he had a very difficult childhood but it just seemed to be so hard for him to show care for that traumatized child in anyone so he would rage.
I am not sure why this is coming up now. I told him the first June we had together how hard it was for me, I remember we went on another Sydney trip then, he wanted to buy a kitchen he had to dismantle from a home under renovation and the trip involved him doing this with a friend.. When I was with him his needs always came first, he told me at the start that surfing would always come first but I stayed.. I know I had my issues and I try not to blame but he hurt me so so much, maybe now this is why I am feeling such fear of Scott and I actually connecting, even though he is kinder that Phil ever was I carry that fear.
Its obvious I did not love myself at times enough to stand up and roar .. this isnt good enough.. I would try to adapt myself but in the end a part of us is there that we cannot push aside any more, this is probably what happened when our relationship ended, though again I left him alone to come back to spend Christmas with family who had decided to spend their first time in Australia, Phil could not come as we were travelling at the time and later we broke up.. and each break up took me into a very painful place.
In June 2011 I also came back home to my home town after 6 months trying to make it living back in Sydney, again I got involved with someone emotionally abusive.. I will always be grateful Mum could take me in and it was 5 more years of pain leading up to my cancer diagnosis in February 2016. When I think now of how I went under the knife then my whole body aches, prior to this there was the sinus surgery of December 2013 I didn’t need. I know now my sinus issues were emotional and due to anger and difficulties with self assertion and boundaries possibly also supressed grief.. In the trio of Mum my second sister and I it was often I who ended up on the outside, in fact one therapist I was seeing in 2009 said my situation was a bit like the Cinderella myth…
Anyway at times Mum also sidelined my sister who since her death has struggled so much.. I was talking it over with our family friend yesterday who knows my sister well and explaining how different was both the bond and the relationship between them with my sister being born when Mum was 29 not 38 still both my sister and I were unmothered.. and lately I see our nurturance issues. I also feel us almost trying to give each other some of that missing mothering at times. And sharing this in therapy with Kat it occurred to me that often this living sister becomes the cold hard rejecting mother who has not liked me being too happy, sad, joyful or exuberant.
Anyway this post is all over the place I started writing it as all of this emotion started pouring out of me earlier.. I do think over time when we come to see things from a more expanded point of view it may make it easier to open our hearts and see how others were just so often so different to us and caught up in their own issues.. To be honest I think we are so lucky if we get just one person who gets us completely in this life.. that has only happened for me with friends rarely but over the past few years the friends I do have now are ones who do see me and make an effort to connect.. In this world of growing technology and social media it can be difficult to find the one’s in our own home time at times we connect with, I do feel we can connect to others on the internet and feel their hearts. When that happens it truly is so special. I have a dream of one day making a trip to meet some of my WordPress family.. it would be so lovely to actually meet in the flesh those who we feel a bond to due to similarity of issues..
Opening our hearts to those who are on a different journey too is important… because sometimes we learn more if we can embrace an new point of view.. one of the problems of sticking around those who really only confirm our own biases is that we end up even more closed off and biased. opening our hearts to a more expansive point of view may mean we get to see things from an even wider perspective, touching base with those whose own experiences and challenges may have a lot to teach us.