I am learning the best way in life is to front up, we cannot just make up reality in our head or project our take or even judge by yesterday what today may bring.. I made the effort after lunch to get over to my sister. There was a heavy deluge of rain falling on the drive over there from town and I was expecting the worst, her in bed in her pajamas and not responding but imagine my surprise to see her room door open and the bed all empty and then to be told she had moved.. this means she is no longer in critical care as they moved her to that room when they were worried for her a few weeks ago just before that terrible Sunday when she was almost psychotic with anxiety.
I asked where she was moved to.. Room 3 on the other side of the place and when I got to the door of the room which is much cosier and she was standing fully dressed with her bag on the bed about to unpack, she told me she had an appointment with a psychologist but they never appeared to take her to it.. so we sat and I chatted away as I do.. it was just such a relief to see her in a calmer state even if it was me doing a lot of the talking.. I seemed to just be over-running the room with lots of words, and I started to feel about 6 years old while I was there, but I felt happy, I was not crying and to see her dressed and reasonably okay was a huge surprise and not at all what I imagined was going to greet me on the drive over there.. I also connected while there with a woman who used to attend my Al Anon group, she has been one of the nurses for some time, my sister even ended up joining in the conversation. She then said to me, I feel like a cup of coffee and offered to walk me out on her way to go over to the cafe and get it, this has not been something she has done for weeks and weeks and weeks.
I had stayed about an hour by that point so I drove home in pouring rain which seemed fitting in some way. I also saw how much I get caught up with my sister and in thoughts of worry or other projections, sadness or running through memories of more painful times now passed but having processed a lot of this inwardly over past weeks I do feel far freer and happier.. And with my sis I can talk about the past and how lonely I found it and it made me realize just what different realities we can live in especially those of us growing up in the same family.
Our family was unusual in that there are large age gaps.. I seemed to get more love from my older sister and there were 8 years between her and my living sister, also eight years older than me.. I am also seeing that I never managed to break away to my own life, the issue of having my Mum aging and my older sister in need of support did derail things for me and I have to pay attention to to where my energy is going.. but just to be able to front up over there today did help and it eased my worries over her.. I am under no illusions though that she is going to be up and down like this maybe for the rest of her life..I just have to watch myself in terms of where my mind goes with it all. In the past if she was not well I did not feel I had the right to be well and happy, but I do.. And it occurred to me on the drive home that even being able to go and just face what I needed to face was a huge sign of growth for me.. I cannot explain it but reading that post last night about a person with autism who became a loner due to familial abuse and rejection really shone a light on my own situation feeling so isolated in a far older family.. this closer sister was abusive at times, my older sister rarely was.. but I guess who I really was just did not always figure much to her. That said I do remember over those years in Sydney after Dad died and I had returned from 3 years overseas she would always make the effort to see me when she and her husband came to town to do buying trips for their clothing boutiques.. My sister did try and we all know that no family relationships are written in stone, the truth is that they can change over time.. losing Mum has changed the dynamic with us a lot.. my sister still lives very much in her own world and is not as capable of reaching out, the same with her family..
I keep trying but in time I need to take steps to build my own life in some way too..for so many years isolation kept me in prison in many ways,..that and negative thoughts about people and a world that actually can be quite loving and interested and kind. One of the worst things about bad treatment or loneliness in childhood can be how it so often poisons our world view, this is what damages us more.. Challenging and chhanging our point of view and becoming more willing to open and try to reach out for new and good things and relationships is so important for our growth and healing. Once past pain is processed and understood it seems to become more possible for us to let go and change and risk. We may find ourselves ever so slowly seeking ways to emerge from the cocoon we had to build for long years around us for both our psychological and emotional incubation as well as protection.