Living alone I am so grateful to my WordPress family.. not a lot of people stay as followers which is understandable and over my 7 or so years of blogging I have still only around 2,100 or so followers.. I know people will connect for a time and then move on but there are also those who I also follow who have been in my life for some years now and as I look back… what a loving family it has been nearly all of the time.. I have had two major clashes with people, one resolved in time as we just didn’t attune well enough to each other at a certain point but in time the person got that I cared even if at the time the way I expressed my opinion was not what she needed to hear at the time about her own trauma.. My approach can be a little intellectual at times though I do write a lot about feelings in some way with all of the airy influences in my chart which sometimes gets totally innundated by water (emotions) that is not an approach that suits everyone but never the less just being understood and having those reach out to me and vice versa when I hit those tough patches has been so very important to me.
The stress over my sister has died down a little now after Sunday and I am grateful for that.. On reflection my sister was a little easier to connect with on that day, she held my hand and I had the feeling for the first time in a very long time we could just hang out as sisters on an equal plane even if she has not been all that well and the ECT has obliterated some of her memories. I honestly felt she feels the love I have for her, even is she did not remember the visit before that one just being there for her even if it means sitting in silence a lot of the time is so so important.
I also made the effort to connect to her son’s family yesterday, as the eldest boy had his 13th birthday on the 13th. That is interesting as my Dad was also born on the 13th (of September not June) and Ethan has my Dad’s first name as his second name.. John.. I also got to get a gift for their daughter as I missed her birthday this year due to my sister taking ill again… I just take the initiative these days to call them and ask to see them as they do not contact me if I do not do this.. its just the way it has been in our family and to be honest it was so lovely to just be able to pop around there and catch up with them.. They also have the sweetest dog called Otto and Otto was so lovely to me, as soon as I arrived he jumped up and then stuck by me wanting pats and he even tried to give me a kiss.
I have not always been that comfortable with my sister’s son but sharing about it in therapy I do see how I began to pull away to a degree after getting sober in 1993 and also as they were growing up I was actually overseas at that point and so they did not get to bond with me as much as my older sister’s sons..
Sadly they did not mention my sister one time and everytime I tried to mention her it got ignored, but when Sienna (their daughter) shared about her love of the piano I was able to tell her all about how her Nana loved to play but how that love of music got stymied by the Nuns and also by the fact due to my older brother having to work nights at our family restaurant she was not allowed to practice too much in the mornings.. I also told them how her piano got sold out from under her and how I got all stroppy about this with the man who turned up to buy it.. Even at that age (6 or so) I was trying to look out for my sister.
Anyway this is a post just to say thank you to all of those lovely friends here who reached out to me on Sunday and to catch other up on where I am now thanks to all of your support.. in a far better place than on Sunday. I was in a terrible state that night I hardly slept and I woke in a terrible rage with the psychiatrist on Monday morning.. Luckily I was able to share in therapy yesterday and in sessions lately a lot of my body trauma is coming out, I was actually collapsing too on the floor due to the pain of what I have seen both sister’s endure in terms of medical/psychiatric help over the many years they have both suffered.. I must admit I also may seem demented if anyone saw what happens in therapy sessions lately when all of my early trauma around my head manifests in swings and outburst of rage and pushing back at my Mum not feeling the impact of what she did or the orthodontist or other did.. Luckily Kat does not intervene sometimes she has to slide her chair back. But she always managed to hold me and in not shaming me lets things unravel.. Yesterday it was all about the terrrible head brace and bit I had to wear that attached to my braces between the ages of 15 and 17 in 1977 to 1979.. It wasn’t long after they came off that I smashed up and ended up losing two and a half teeth… my teeth would ache from the bloody contraption which was like an instrument of some kind of torture… I am missing even more teeth now but life is what it is.. I just have to accept it all, but possibly when my sister goes under it arks up all of my trauma too.. it must have been traumatic for her to see me go through all of this..we both have carried so much.. so so so much.
Anyway a big thank you to you all for your love and support.. I honestly would feel so much more alone if you were not here.. and I hope to give back some of the love you so often beam my way.. truly we are stronger together.