I am in so much sadness and regret today. Yesterday in therapy Karina landed me smack bang back in my feelings. I was reading that long post about the pain body I wrote 2 days ago and I saw she looked distant and unimpressed as I was reading it.. After I read it she said she couldn’t find the feeling in it. She also has the sense I find my own anger bad or problematic. And she is right.. Reading a couple of books this week on adult children of alcoholics that theme came up.. One of the best books I have read on this subject as well as our struggle with intimacy is called The Intimacy Struggle. It speaks of how disallowed anger hurts us, we fear anger and we do not believe love and anger can go together for so often our parents rejected or shamed us for it.. they locked me in my room for it..and never validated it.. I also got my arm pulled out of my socket one day when I was stopped from having something I wanted that was good for me, and I was reliving that in the middle of the night a few weeks ago waking at 4 am with all the charges and pushes and pulls as I experienced this arm being pulled around.
To be honest this has been one of the most healing things about my relationship with Scott, he never shames or blames me for anger, he always understands or tries to. In fact he usually validates all of my feelings. It was not like this in my family, anger was not allowed and it would frighten my Mum, who often raged and then got ignored by Dad. I think because her Mum was frustrated and angry a lot of the time as well as highly ambivalent about being a parent this really affected her..
Nana also didn’t have a partner after Mum turned 7 as he died of War injuies and the pattern on that side of the family was to move away.. Our GG GrandDad left the UK then his daughter my Great Grandmother left New Zealand and then my Nana left Victoria for Canberra though my Mum would go back for holidays from time to time to her Grandmother in Melbourne and so did my second sister, Sue. This pattern has repeated with all of us siblings or our offspring having had relationships with people from the UK, New Zealand or Victoria or moving to one of those places.
The sadness today too is about my aborted life in the UK when the shit hit the fan 2 years into my first psychotherapy.. in 2001.. I loved living there but in June that year the charge of something rose up and I was left uncontained when my then therapist left me on a one month break while Jonathan was also away and I had to my first psychological astrology presentation.. I think it was a mix of fear and longing and sadness over my Mum and sister still at home in Canberra and undergoing so much trauma. Mum had fallen and broken her wrist in March and on a holiday home I saw her crying so desolately, so I caved and told my hubby I needed to go home, when I changed my mind he would not let me stay in England. This is making me feel so sad and nauseous even writing it today and June is difficult across many levels.. I met my husband then, he left me then, I had the second head injury a year after that and after on around the 26th of June I tried to go back to the UK again.. And Judy my sister got returned to us and abandoned in winter.
Then all this listening to Eckart Tolle about the pain body where he laughs at pain and treats it as something to detach from, well something doesn’t sit quiet right with me about it and people treat him as a guru and yet we need to live in this present moment.. maybe this is the duality of the Mercury Gemini retrograde I am feeling at present.. I also made a comment to Kat about it not being good for us to have to join others in their pain and be overwhelmed by it, but that is what empathy is or is that sympathy? Not sure about all of this. at the moment I am even feeling conflicted over therapy.
Its good just to put some of this down on the page. so it isn’t all just swirling round and round in my head. I know with Mars soon to move into fire (Leo) and oppose my Mars Saturn Moon in Aquarius the anger/self assertion theme is bound to come up.. I am also tied into helping someone now who has tied up all of my resources and he keeps thanking me for being so caring and kind but part of me is angry….I am no bloody goody two shoes and it may not always be healthy to be, and yet I was raised to be ‘nice’. this can be difficult for women, if we are not nice, if we get angry we can be demonized for it, but if we lose touch with our hear me roar power that Sarah Woodhouse speaks of as being so essential for healing from the powerlessness of trauma especially in those of us forceably pinned into place for a long period then we cannot recover.
My family always make me wrong for being angry ( apart from my older sister who suffered so much tragedy) and that makes me angry too, it also disempowers me even more. Right now I have not power over money left to me..its tough.. I also have to be skillfull in dealing with all of this anger, as being angry has got me in trouble so many times maybe its why I sometimes side against myself for feeling and expressing it and take too much refuge in spiritual ego theories.. without a healthy ego we are stuffed really.. as problematic as the wounded ego becomes at times.