A letter for my sister

I think of you every day as night draws in. I do not get as many chances to visit you as I would like, especially on the days I know they are giving you the ECT I want to be there but my the time I care for my life, walk Jasper get my lunch and do my groceries I run out of time.. Thinking of you reminds me life is often lived in thoughts and possibly memories, sometimes when people hurt us and fail to attune to us its harder to draw close to them but I do remember the times I was struggling and you probably did what you felt would help. In my beside draw I have a little cloth angel that you gave to me a short while after Jonathan left, it came with a little pad of notes you could write a prayer on and pop it in the back pocket, last week when I was really worried about you I wrote a prayer on the paper and put it in the angel’s back pocket.. I am sure you do not remember giving this to me, there is so much you do not remember now.

If I could I would have tried even harder to draw close after Mum died, to be honest I was the only one reaching out and I remember the first Christmas without her you told me no gifts but I put on a lunch here and I bought you two gifts… sometimes its not been possible to reach each other.. At times you have done so many things that hurt me, but then maybe I was trapped in the little sister role..

At this time of night I like to be quiet, I take comfort in the dusk sometimes I draw my fears close, sometimes I feel the possibility of grace and hope and potential new starts appearing, even when it sometimes feels there will never be much happiness again.. I do not know what the future holds, that is the truth. I do not know how this last dose of ECT will change you.. but you are always in my heart, maybe I am in yours too. It was good to finally hear those words “I love you” from you last week… I hoped to be able to come again and disappointed myself by not managing it.. But for now I send you all of my love and prayers, you only get one sister in this life (although God gave me two and some people have more) but for me now you are my only sister. I want you to know, I love you.

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