Coldness and anxiety ; today’s update

I notice the effect of these very cold days on my body, my house is not warm at all, its why I have to get out into the car and drive and when I do my body improves a bit from the contracted, anxious state.. Today I was also a little fearful as I had to go to the accountant’s, to drop off bills for Mum’s units and an invoice for my therapy. I am praying they reimburse me as my brother has still not organised my monthly allowance two months after asking him and opening up to him about helping Scott and him raining down vitriol on me about it all. I felt shame and guilt but Kathleen, the lady who handles our estate was so warm and explained why Gary is hitting roadblock. My sister who is hospitalized has the power to sign things but she is thought to be incapable which is their fucking thought form to be honest, but being what it is what do I do? If I shout at my brother it wont go well and I DO LOVE HIM I DONT ALWAYS WANT TO BE HASSLING HIM ABOUT MONEY.. HE WORKS TOO HARD AS DEFENSE AND DOESN’T NEED MORE PRESSURE. I struggle between the part of me that feels abandoned and the part that feels for him and gets pissed off when he gets so sidetracked and fails to front up.

I am not (as) angry with him anymore though at 4 am this morning a lot of frustration was flooding through my body. The Moon at 9 degree of Gemini was exactly square my Chiron Pluto opposition that aspects the Moon. Saturn and Mars in my chart. .but it was trining those placements. I think of what fighter my Mum was (Moon conjunct Mars), how it was hard to be close to her as she was always busy or fighting to live and we got pushed away… I think of how i can be like that now, I got shitty with Scott for leaving me waiting via text when he was only trying to get dressed prior to leaving for early patrol as he always does on Wednesday, I noticed due to my abandonment I wanted to lash out but I held back.. Wow at least I clocked my pain body in action that time before I caused him unnecessary pain. As it was hurt he couldn’t understand my reaction..but got it after I explained that via text I cannot see a thing at all.

Anyway visiting the accountants I went to the library and printed out Sandeep’s two articles on the Gemini Solar Eclipse which becomes exact in a few hours as well as the current Mercury in Gemini retrograde. As Mercury continues to move back to meet the Sun over the next few days they will meet at what is called the inferior conjunction. This is like a retrograde new Mercury cycle where seeds begin to germinate in our mind. The Moon will also cross over Mercury a few hours after the eclipse..

Venus has joined Mars in Cancer right now so feeling this coldness and distance of family and engaged nurturing is not only about physical warmth but about all of those years being outcast from a warm loving family..I bought this house when my sister was very ill in 2010 and we got it in summer, the winters here make me realize the coldness here is symbolic.

While waiting to get a card to log onto the computer to print out the articles by Sandeep at the Library I spied a book,, it is called Laziness Does Not Exist the title interested me because in my family it was a cardinal sin to be ‘lazy’ ie in your own world possibly, engaged in reading or art or some other inner pursuit, Mum and Dad were always working and when I had my first breakthrough of grief in sobriety in 1999 at 6 years sober around the 14th anniversary of my Dad’s illness and death from Cancer..my husband gave me a blast for taking time off work to feel and rest.. He then went away in the thick of other breakthroughs and it was during one of these during a Cancer Solar Eclipse I decided to quit therapy and come home to Australia in 2001. I got the information from spirit today that this Eclipse sets off the Saturn Pluto opposition that took place in that year, that is when I had the spiral staircase dream and the walls closed in on me in the dream and I aborted the Psychological Astrology Course in London to come home.. it also relates to my ancestors.

There are many threads to connect right now.and I am doing a lot of Mercurial traversing between above and below.. especially in the early hours of the morning.. Today I just had floods of memories and recognitions.

Collectively we had the Saturn Pluto conjunction last year in Capricorn , I think.. these two have to do with change and the rearrangement of our earthly lives and bring in issues of death, grief, endings, transformation, inner work on heriditary patterns as well as the opportunities to shed and release for new beginnings, they require a birthing and an arising for purging (Pluto) and aski us how well we can let go and co-operate with the will of God and how much we make things harder for ourselves and every one else by fighting it.. at least these are my insights..

Liz Greene says that Saturn Pluto represents wisdom through suffering and purfication of the ego through the ordeal by fire… Our pain and deepest most difficult experiences can be our teacher on how to live better lives and be more loving once we get insights into the way we block and defend against loving others as well as ourselves (Saturn boundaries/defences/limits) Saturn Pluto may also encourage shift of perspective too from a less self focused or psychologically immature one… we must allow the dark side to exist in ourselves and others as we accept that life is often not ordered or perfect, does not unfold in line with our ego projections, but asks of many of us, a deepening.. Perhaps these are the messages I am gaining from these two. Sometimes I get so caught up in my own perspective it is not always easy to appreciate how it may be for someone else, especially family members.

This is a bit of a rushed post before lunch.. I have therapy at 3 yesterday I ate late and got a bit dragged under but we were in the dark of the moon then. A lot was coming up.. I also started watching the series Atypical on Netflix last night about a teenager with autism.. I loved it and found it insightful and funny. I love all of the characters, each being impacted in different ways by Sam.

Anyway insights into this New Moon Annular Solar Eclipse will grow over the next two weeks and also the following six month period that encompasses this season of the Gemini Solar Eclipse cycle.. Today’s eclipse takes place on the North Node in Gemini, the next one in 6 months will take place on the South Node in Sagittarius.. Watch this space.

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