Anger can be a problematic emotion for some of us..Anger can at times hide other feelings such as disappointment and that may have some sadness or grief in it. Something we wanted or longed for from another is not forthcoming, we may be judged unfairly due to the persons own emotional needs, wounds or biases and if we do not have a strong capacity to sort all of this out using our reasoning mind or using what is known as a ‘theory of mind’ about where others may be coming from anger can become problematic..
For some of us disappointment and anger may lead to emotional cut off.. We may lack other tools, skills or resources to deal with our pent up emotions that may have a strong historical component. Cutting contact or using the silent treatment may be the only way we feel we can make an impact or at least take back some kind of control in a situation in which we have no control or if we feel unsafe (whether we in actual fact are or were only triggered) it may feel life preserving.
I was listening to part of a talk Gabor Mate gave today on identifying dealing with emotions like frustration, anger, sadness and disappointment being triggered.. It is mature to realize that not all of our needs will be met by others or even only by ourselves and when needs gets frustrated explore what deeper emotions due to past hurt may be being triggered.. Emotional avoidants may also try to convince ourselves we can do it all alone but this can be kind of anti-dependency rather than a healthy inter personal dependency and block us from expressing vulnerabilities that may actually end up drawing others closer to us.
With Mars in Cancer lately I have been feeling a lot of emotionally based anger. Last night Scott accused me of withholding something from him when I really was setting a boundary around what I felt comfortable and uncomfortable in sharing.. I got attacked over it and I got inwardly angry.. I shut down contact for half an hour to go within and then expressed my distress.. I asked God who told me that it is okay in some relationships to keep certain information to yourself, its not a matter of lying.. It is something my therapist told me recently that a sign of healing for some of us neglected inner children is to learn we do not HAVE TO SHARE OR TELL EVERYONE (OR ANYONE) EVERYTHING..
I know I am a bit too open at times.. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and at times I am learning when there is time for discretion. Still the amount of anger triggered last night was huge and its not just down to this one event, it down to what I have given and given to this guy for a long long time and to the fact I now feel a little trapped due to the circumstances and I am angry about it.. Luckily he heard me out and said he understood.. It obviously hit a sore spot for him too, seeing he we lied to by his ex wife who had an affair, so truth and open sharing and trust are very important to him. But he sometimes forget we have not met yet and he cannot expect me at this stage of our relationship to be sharing everything…
I look back with despair at times about how badly anger and assertion or protest was handled in my family. I think of the illnesses I developed in being too enmeshed and being unable to voice what was really going on underneath the ways I reacted and lashed out.. In the early years of sobriety as I began to need to explore so many areas of grief and blocked emotional repression it became difficult. I sought outside therapy in 1999 but there is still a lot of masses of undifferentiated feelings that only appear on a somatic llevel for me at times and at times I fear my own body symptoms, its only lately I can know anger is triggered by the way my body is clenching, tightening or shock/startling..
Cancer rules the mother and inner child too so issues of nurturing attunement as well as the lack of it may be being triggered for many of us right now.. It is only going to be building in intensity as Mars approaches both the square to Chiron in Aries and the opposition to Pluto in Capricorn.. If Mars in Cancer polarises with Pluto in Capricorn some of us may meet the emotionally critical ‘police’ or parent out there during this time.. We may get old wounds deeply triggered.. Chiron in Aries at the moment shows we are all working out wounding in identity and action due to old patterns too.. Maybe its behind why I have been feeling so highly charged lately.. Last night was bloody intense.. I kicked the wall I was so angry, but I at least got to express it and it got heard.. So I thank God for that because as soon as Scott said he understood my body immediately calmed and relaxed..I even had a huge cuddle with my dog Jasper this morning crying over so many times in my childhood I was hit, hurt or isolated when distressed.. So little empathy was shown to me for feeling that I never learned how to give it myself, like a lot of us emotionally neglected..but it truly is never too late to learn how..