Seek not to belong?

The desire to belong and be liked and accepted for who we really are can run deep in many of us. If as young ones we found no sense of acceptance and belonging with other humans it can be painful and yet staying true to who we really are and the soul calling we feel is so important. When we sacrifice this hoping to belong it ends badly. And trying even harder to be loved,validated and acceptance by those who don’t, can’t and won’t only ends up in sadness, bitterness or resentment for many of us.

Its clearer and clearer to me as J age the places I gave myself away and how being emotionally enmeshed with hurtful.others even led to illness. Reading a book on the spiritual power of empathy last night the writer spoke if how some of us highly sensitive people can even take on allergies, ailments as well as illnesses of others we are close to, especially family members.. Lately, I am of the firm belief that this happened when I got cancer in exactly the same breast as my sister 3 months later. It was she who pressured me to go for the test and I ended up having to do radiotherapy I honestly wish I had refused. I am not a fan of the medical model especially now having done so much therapy and seen how deeply embodied emotions and attunements to others can become in the body. Sharing in therapy about some of my attachment woundings with siblings that part of my breast where i had the surgery really began to sting.. And it came hot on the heels of being emotionally abandoned by an avoidant past partner in my last relationship which ended in 2011.

This New Moon has shone a strong light on all of this since last night. I’m so empathic I’ve helped at times to the point I’ve emptied myself out and then even sucked up shitty treatment as well as so much misjudgement and misunderstanding, it burns. The energy of others affects me vibrational and I am best in my own vortex or grounding in nature. When I get into my mind and thinking alone (not the quiet contemplation of meditation which is a different kind of way of attuning to inner guidance) I can tend to get a bit spun out.. That said inner guidance is always available to all of us.

I do tend to read a lot and sometimes I put other ‘teachers’ on pedestals.. I had a lovely comment today on recent post where the person said to trust my own reading of things rather than that of those who lecture on teachings like biblical ones.. It was good advice.. The sad thing is though, that if, as a child, you were consistently told you had no idea and could not trust your inner self, in time we do tend to turn against that part of ourselves, then we can look to belong or surrender our own sense of truth and inner knowing.. When we do this it never ends well.

Perhaps one of the reasons as a young child and adolescent I began to identify with Jesus so much was that in his story I saw someone who also worked hard to stay true to his own inner knowing.. To be honest I always hated catholic church and church services, to my mind if Jesus was to teach anywhere it was out in nature or amongst other human beings.. For me nature is my ‘church’ and it is where I feel most receptive to the word of angels, higher power and God. I got some lovely little angel cards from the bookshop yesterday and one of them spoke of angels speaking to us on the wind.. I often feel that lately and the truth is I often feel I most belong when I am on my own.. That said going to that concert with friends the other night I had a growing feeling I belonged with them too.. I just noticed I get so emotional and they rarely seem to, and that, at times, can make me feel like a bit of an outsider.. And yet.. Am I? And if I am does it really matter? After all the one who created me and everything else sees, knows, loves and understands me so when humans fail it is to that source I am best to look for my validation, comfort and healing as well as a sense of belonging.

My therapist often comments that in my life, having known so many times I was rejected or left alone its no wonder that I do have this belonging wound.. At times I question if it leads me to a counter-dependency.. I have also endured a lot of loss so I am aware that no relationship always lasts on the earthly plane and yet even the relationship with lost loved ones goes on, even past partners who left, because it was time, still remain a very very important part of my soul and spiritual journey.

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