Living with this ongoing PTSD anxiety condition is so rough at the moment.. The constant wear and tear on my body of sensations and symptoms and the constant collapses in to tears are making me feel so vulnerable most days..I dropped a framed picture on my toe and cut it open in the early hours of Wednesday in the middle of a massive panic attack in the loo. I got out to the library yesterday to try and get some old invoices printed out so that I can claim some money back to live as my brother never honors his promise to sort my allowance.. He just gets involved in the things he cares about more and all of my concerns take a back seat.. I cry so much about it some days.. I stayed close to support Mum and Judy and got Jasper so I did not want to get a job but lately I wish I had, this constant state of insecurity over money is so wearing and so unnecessary considering the amount of money there is..
Anyway its not all about money but the emotional realities too.. My sister’s youngest son had his first child yesterday.. the baby was late and its a strange thing but over the past ten days the date of 5th May kept popping into my head with the thought “who in our family is born on the 5th?” Well it turns out that is the day Ruby Doris decided to arrive and its no surprise the Moon was in Pisces as that picks up energies in my sister’s chart.. I was at the library struggling to print the invoices (the computer needed a new code and librarians were busy) when my sister called.. She just sounded so sad and numb and told me how horrible it was not to be able to feel any sense of joy or excitement for them.. I just told her it made me cry which it did as I left the library to go get lunch at the nearby shopping center… I texted her to say if she would like me to get a gift I can do it as it know she finds doing these things hard.. I just wish she could but maybe its the least of her concerns right now.
The baby’s birth always makes me feel a little out of it, never having had children but I was so happy today to get a photo sent to me.. It really made my day.. I love all of my family but hear from them all so rarely.. And the angels also gave me a gift as I sat eating my lunch at the food court, a lady came by and asked “mind if I join you?” and we ended up having a long chat.. these kind of random encounters make me feel less alone and I am aware my attacks often come when I am all alone, it is something Mum used to draw my attention to all of the time.
Having anxious/avoidant attachment (with elements of disorganised attachment) is not easy.. I am sure it is Mars in Cancer stirring up all of this emotion. I have been really nasty and short with Scott this week too…I get glimmers of hope as the Commanding Officer is taking steps to try and help get him out if we send a smaller amount.. I realised last night I have two superannuation accounts that I own and have not accessed, I need the money right now for my own life to be honest.. Anyway my anxiety reduces when I get active or when I write my blog..
I got a bit short with Jasper earlier too constantly hanging around the dinner table for tidbits.. i started crying and asking him. “who is taking care of me?” I seem to have been on my own for so many years now.. I look at people or read blogs of those lucky enough to have loving partners and feel a bit jealous.. and then I bat away the love of someone trying to come home with fears of it being a scam… Scott said to me this morning it feels like I do not like him any more.. its not him its the constantly precarious unpredictable situation.
I had a nice drive down to the lake after a huge panic attack that lasted about 3 hours this morning.. I am sure it has something to do with Mars being in the sign of its detriment.. it just seems to have been harder to get going over the past week.. When it enters the 12th house I expect a lot of stuff with ancestral linkages to go down..
My sister was born on the day one of our ancestors babies died.. she seems to carry so much.. all I can do is visit her as much as I can.. and stay in touch to give love and encouragement.. watching my hands shake as I ate lunch earlier I remembered how hers shake constantly… we both carry so so much.. and when I break down in helpless tears of anguish, grief or frustrations it is my Mum I call to mind.. she battled on heroically in her life, just like me but has such a lonely time in the final years.. I am just glad for the time we did have in those years… for the movies we saw, the dinners we had, the talks and trips away (even when we fought terribly) and for the holding of her hand over a number of hospital visits.. God knows my life has been tough..I just cannot afford to lose hope for the possibility of brighter days ahead. I have to look more on the bright side and not allow only tears, there are times I do just roar with laughter at the irony of it all too.. Especially when my brother continues to wear blinkers and not show any dose of concern for the fact I may need him at lot right now.