With so many concerns flooding my mind its an effort to stay afloat.. I seem to be managing. Jasper and I had a very very wet walk to the leafy park and down to the village center that Mum used to roam around in after school when no one was home to supervise, probably around this same time of day as we hit the school rush on the way to park the car some distance from the park we go to.. The autumn color is astounding here at present.. I have been having problems uploading some photos but I will try later..
I seem to not be feeling like I was yesterday, suicidal and depressed. Still I think of Scott and my sister constantly as well as my brother.. Who knows what is true in this life, we all make decisions and if the last few years following Mum’s death have shown me anything it is that grief does things to you and it hits all of the existing grief you may not yet have processed. And grief can bring anxiety with it. Awake between 3.30 and 5 I could not help but think of how my sister collapsed after Mum died, seemingly being incapable of sorting her unit in the aftermath and being hospitalized around the time Scott and I connected.. I helped her to do some of it and then she was in and out of the psyche unit with depression until late in 2019. For most of early 2020 she rallied and got so much done, was reaching out to everyone and sorting all of Mum’s jewelry and getting valuations while making sure she distributed it fairly to most of the grandchildren or their partners.. I thought of that today as I have to meet a man from a designer op shop this week while he comes to collect one of Mum’ s lounges she sold to him last year (a decision she now regrets) and had not yet picked up…. At least in this way I can help my sister who asked for so little help with sorting everything else, as is the family way.
I just put a call through to her and it reminds me so much of being on the phone with my older sister who was pretty much bed ridden in the final few years of her life.. There are long silences where not much is said but we are feeling each other and much as I need to go to the toilet I find it hard to say I need to go..
Anyway today I am alive and connecting.. I do not feel suicidal. I am sad over Scott I wish I could help but my family will not give us any assistance.. it is so hard but I just have to accept everything right now. There is someone I love but I cannot help them. I just have to take care of my own life as much as I can.