Being emptied out, once again of nearly all my resources by someone, has been a very tough wake up call. I look back and wonder what I was thinking, believing and trusting for so long and look the hardship I took on, doing things that went against the grain helping him, not only with supposed money to ‘get free’ but for a phone and over 4,000 more dollars supposedly for food and medicines, I just feel sick about it all today. I had the strength to delete the app we were talking on, I cried for a lot of the morning after that its so painful to me not only all that happened but the way he turned it all around on me and dumped me with it.. I had to fight off really hard and I just need to keep reminding myself there is something good on the other side as I feel I have been hit over the head at the moment repeatedly with a hard blunt object… the hardest thing was that I had the strength to block him in October 2019 then I let him talk his way back into my life in March last year..
I also hate having to write a blog focusing on what ‘someone did to me’. It feels like the hugest cop out.. I also just feel so isolated where I am living, I just do not have a lot of friends here in my home town and much as I can enjoy my own company at times I just feel like being with other people or at least involved in something that takes me outside of myself for a while.. Anyway I need to keep an open mind and heart and I took some time to meditate down by the lake today which was lovely.. I was given an affirmation to say from inner guidance.. it said
My painful past is slowly leaving me
I remain focused in my inner light and in the love of God.
I need to keep remembering God loves and forgives me, she does not want me to be hurting, if painful things happen or people hurt me she wants me to try to find a way to shake it off.. which is something Joyce Meyer talks about Jesus saying when we are around those who are hateful or negative towards us or life… for many years I did not feel I had a choice over who I could surround myself with.. these days I know I have to be aware of what is good energy to be around and what I do not like..
The other thing that saddens me about all the help I gave to ‘Scott’ is that some of it could have been used to help my family….Anyway the past is past. There is not one single thing that has happened in the past that I can change.. I am trying my best today to be as positive as I can coming out of this last dressing down I was given on Sunday morning, I read out to Kat in therapy yesterday the thirty or so messages I sent to him over that day firstly defending myself and then saying how hurtful and unfair I found it all. Kat said she believes he really triggered my deepest abandonment wound and the way I wrote to him in such a state of high anxiety showed I was panicking..
I am rereading the book Anxious in Love that I bought a couple of years ago on anxious attachment problems..It has some good breathing exercises and other techniques for avoiding the anxiety reactions and triggers. When I get triggered I just go scatter gun with my words.. I am trying now to just shut down and say nothing more I am determined to not be opened up to any further manipulation or attack tactics from him, the minute I read anything from him it just hurts so much, I just am determined now to do something I find very hard to do : protect myself.
After posting this I came across the following on an astrology blog.. It speaks about blame that may be thrown at us.. made sense to me. 🙂
Which brings us to Mars. Mars represents Action, but folks – either them or us or more likely both – who focus on the contents of their Thoughts about What They’re Feeling can oh-so-Easily drop into Blame, and Actions become Attacks on Other People because our Thoughts justify Blaming them for “Causing” our Negative Emotions. And their Thoughts justify Blaming us for “Causing” their Negative Feelings, and the whole thing spirals up into an Anger Party. Our Emotional Reactions are more Karma than Present-Moment, so unless we had a big blow-up over who speared that Deer when we shared a Lifetime in the Pleistocene, there no sense in which anybody in our Present-Moment Life “Causes” our Feelings. That’s all part of our Either/Or, Cause-and-Effect, Linear-Thought Bullshit Brainwashing, the same Washing that’s Destroying what’s left of our Garden of Eden.
This week should be a really good Opportunity for us to Practice Feeling Anger rather than Being Anger. And a great Opportunity to Practice Feeling Blaming rather than Being Blaming, and especially to Learn the difference between How Anger Feels and How Blaming Feels. Some Bridges are already smoldering, and their ignition may be inevitable.