Things are really hard

Things are really hard right now I am trying to hold myself together but I have been on the receiving end of texts blaming me for letting Scott down. He swears he is genuine and is angry with everyone.. He keeps talking of dying and its so unfair on me.. All I ever did was try to help, but he was my one lifeline after Mum died and its three years to the exact date we first connected and of holding out hope he would come and each time its been dashed and all the evidence is that he is genuine despite my brother’s point of view.. And then it occurred to me we connected two days before my older sister’s death anniversary in 2018 and he offered me that kind of warmth that no one else in the family seems capable.. All my brother talks of is pinning me down to the wire as hard as he can on money and despite the fact Mum bought me a property to be used as an investment in 2017 he has not released those funds.. If had moved in there and sold my own home I would not be in this position now.. It’s so deeply painful to me. I stood my Mum as I loved her and didn;t want her to be alone and made real sacrifices but the one child who was most distant was put in charge. I know she did this thinking she was protecting me but I am 59 years old now.. I should be able to make my own mistakes and bear the full consequences.

The last thing I want is to seem ungrateful but this is all about mistrust and its a very small sum now required.. I talked to my sister about it and she was sympathetic, she knows how he is.. he is so cut off emotionally its so hurtful and there really is no one else to turn to that will believe me apart from my therapist, the angels and God.. And even the angels said its so unfair..The gif he sent me said this :

Congratulations you let me down like everyone else.. sad face emoji

You hurt me You tore me to shreds

So yeah, congratulations, I hope you are happy now

It was so attacking and accusative.. and I told him I believe it was infantile.. I have done so so much to try and help this person and God knows I battled so much legitimate doubt but now for him to blame me, it hurts. and for my brother to now be penalising me so that only miniumum amounts will be sent to me hurts too. I held it together for a lot of the morning but after lunch I had a massive attack I have been trying to punch at the air and get this shit out of me.. I try so hard. I am there for people.. why does this happen… I am trying to detach but it hurts.

This is just a venting post as I have to get it out on the page.. I told him to shove his blame up his arse.. I am crying too but to be told I am happy that he cant get out and may die seems just so immature and unfair or else its just more emotional blackmail and manipulation. I know if I buy into it I am doomed but its just so hard this latest test God is giving to me…I have had stuff dumped into me so so many times by past boyfriends telling me either what a fuck up I am how I failed them it is a real struggle right now holding onto any sense of goodness..Please pray for me.

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