I am so lucky to have a therapist who will give me a brief call back on the days I get really triggered and distressed.. We had to set boundaries around these type of calls a few years into my therapy as I was calling her too much and she emphasizes all the time my need to ‘hold’ myself and look for self soothing strategies that work. I am getting better at that but today after the call from my brother I started to feel so so sad and helpless and hopeless I put in a call to her.. .. I felt like I was being denied when really I am getting some financial help within reasonable Saturnian boundaries and I need to keep being grateful for that so I do not get an attack of the ‘poor me’s’ and keep a balanced and grounded perspective on all of these latest challenges.
I listened to a Joyce Meyer talk on this last night.. She was speaking of her brother who committed suicide and went through a lot of abuse and drug addiction as part of his involvement in the Vietnam War, she did try to support him and is very open about her own damage as a result of sexual abuse… but her brother did not make it.. She said that he found it very hard to take action on his own behalf and looked a lot to others.. I do not know if he was an older or younger brother.. it seems that she took a more heroic approach and he collapsed more into a scapegoat role, something I have written about earlier in blogging history…
I have to watch my own tendency to become a victim or scapegoat too.. There are steps I can take on any day if I am tempted to fall into an attack of the poor mes or become too paralysed in ruminative dead ends.. Walking in nature is a good one for me, knowing I have the power to move my limbs.. I did two good short walks today and they both helped to recharge me.. I do think there is a time exercise is used to run from ourselves but since all of those times of paralysis after accidents had a huge impact to the degree that after the head injury getting out for a walk just felt like a Herculean effort, now it feels so good to be able to get moving and bust through the resistances and blockages. And the fresh air, besides being good for me, can always give me a new perspective. Add to this that with such a trauma history an elevated heart rate from exercise can act as a trigger of how it felt to come to in a flooded state after an accident or major. I get that every day on waking and trying to fall asleep but lately I am managing to cope a little better.
I am thankful to Katina for returning my call a short time ago.. The walk put me in a better place I am also so grateful to fellow bloggers who reach out to support me. I really do think WordPress, for me, has been such an invaluable help here in my recovery from trauma and complex PTSD. Reading other blogs I get to identify and also support, get validation and give the same.. When that flows it truly is so sweet and lovely.. So thank you Sara today for being there for me and validating my pain over past issues.. that is something I count as a blessing today, a kind of miracle of kinds. and I want you to know how grateful I am to you and how thankful too. Together we can get through this.