When I loved myself enough

When I loved myself enough :

I stopped caring how you see me.

I started doing things that brought me joy

I let myself have the things I wanted

I stopped believing I ‘should’ do or want the things I don’t

I trusted my own feelings

I trusted my own thoughts

I trusted my own wishes

I became more realisitic about emotionally unavailable people

I learned to embrace self care.

I stopped trying so hard in the wrong direction

I let myself rest when I am tired

I let myself dance when I felt the music move me

I let myself let go of what was hurting me

I understood and accepted that no one is perfect

But some ‘imperfects’ are just too tough to be around much of the time

That sometimes trying too hard

Came out of a lot of past wounds

When I understood I was not really loving myself

I broke down again under the weight of that realisation

For a while again, it became hard to stand

But I will keep praying for this new wisdom

To flood me

Washing me clean and clear of old places

Where I have been mistaken

Deaf dumb and blind

Or duped into old unhelpful patterns

Again

5 thoughts on “When I loved myself enough

  1. I feel you capture something painful but beautiful in this poem. The journey to knowing and loving the self is such an up and down process. I have been in a place of wondering “who am I?” recently. Almost wondering when I have ever lived the first half of your poem, and that causes me such sadness and anger. But just like you expressed so beautifully at the end of your poem I feel there is a hope with this new painful wisdom, a hope of it freeing us to reconnect to that self love we were born with again. But it does sometimes feel overwhelming, like the process will cause harm to myself. But I hold out faith that is an illusion, that is the mistaken side of me fearing this return back to who I am. My body and mind once deemed it unsafe in some way to be me, and it still urges me to turn away from my real self. It believes that my real self is still somehow unsafe to live as.

    Hope you are well today, and able to spend some time in the healing and peace of nature. As always I am thinking of you. I do believe one step at a time you are escaping your ancestral heritage, and I imagine that is the only way it can be done – one step at a time. I feel you are on the right path.

    1. That really helps today. I was sitting here in the early morning silence meditating and crying. I think it takes us a long long time to see and feel the larger patterns as well as the underground feelings we swim in.

      It is a deep.process and WE Do GET DRIVEN OUT OF OUR BODIES in this culture, taught to take refuge in the mind and to block and defend due to.parents and institutions that do that too. So I well understand your fear. I often wonder how many are living as their true real self in this world. You are on that pathway and overcoming self negation and self hatred takes a long long time for some of us..never taught how to. Just keep going and trusting even the really tough lessons. Its what I am trying to do facing a situation I wish was so different but have absolute no power to change right now.

      And thank you again for being you. I feel your beautiful soul. It comes through all of the time in your writing and comments. ❤🌹❤

      1. Yes, trust and patience is a big part in where I am too. ❤️

        Thank you for the kindness you show me. It means a lot to me! I feel my real self sees your kind words and what your share on your blog and it helps me to feel a security to start the little steps of living as my true self.

        Hope you have a wonderful weekend ☀️ 🌳

      2. It is lovely today sunny and bright but very icy here.. Winter is well and truly on the way…
        I love the idea we can grow together and learn because sharing in an another’s process means we can understand more of our own journey too. Sometimes its easier to see someone’s patterns or self rejections from the outside.

        Hoping your weekend is lovely too.. ❤

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