My body is just so sore today.. I cannot stop crying.. I read a few chapters in the book Darkness is Golden about being a giver and having unmet insecurities and needs from childhood that predispose us to over give.. and when she speaks about identifying OUR NEEDS I just collapse in floods of tears. She says we givers over compensate for not being able to ask for or identify or even feel its okay just to meet our own needs, set boundaries or deal with conflict or external pressures. She also provides a bill of rights that everyone with poor boundaries needs to learn.
I won’t hear back from my brother.. Last time I reached out in this way he just ignored the email. I know I am on my own emotionally in this family, see Scott offered to be there emotionally but he cannot come home and its enough for me to just text him, I don’t necessarily NEED HIM to come home but just on the way out I watched an elderly couple crossing the road, both on walking sticks lovingly trying to support each other and it touched my family’s core wound.. My sisters and I were all abandoned in the end by our husbands and Dad died before Mum and Dad got to enjoy those final years. Dad over gave too.. I remember Mum telling me how stressed he was when my brother borrowed all of this money offshore and thing went belly up, Dad wanted to set a boundary but told Mum he could not.. he also said my brother was like a young racehorse with his creative ideas for building which ended up making a lot of money but my Dad was the sacrifice, he ended up getting sick and dying from the stress a few years later.. I really wish I was not relying on this family money and it was wrong to give it away, I should have been using my resources to make a good life for myself and Jasper but then with the core wound I see why Scott and I did end up connecting only a few months after Mum died.
Anyway as Venus in Aries moves towards this square with Pluto, and as Mars begins to square Neptune too I cannot help but think of Dad’s core wound of ‘value’.. he had Venus opposite Chiron in square to Pluto and transiting Chiron is now on top of his own..When my older sister had her cerebral bleed and later psychosis her Chiron in Libra which connects to this was triggered as well and she was overworking and trying to get that missing attention from family through the only route possible, trying to be a so called ‘success’ in the outer world.
If I am crying and crying today its probably understandable.. I told Scott about the dream of me walking across ice that gave way and landed me in the water, this happened right before he we due to come home last week and the military ended up asking more money. He asked what I thought it meant then said he thought it may mean he is going to die there.. that angered me a bit as its obviously about me being on thin ice as in the dream he was fine, he was standing next to me on solid ground.
Transiting Saturn is also squaring my natal Venus square to Neptune.. if any astrological signature speaks more of a sacrificial giver it is this.. we often find those with this aspect (especially configured with other personal planets like the Sun) vulnerable to have no boundaries and little strong ego and we may be carrying that pattern from a parent.. (in this case I think its from my Mum who had no support at all emotionally growing up and became an over giver in later life too).. I tried setting boundaries with Scott only to collapse them again when he kept talking of his fears of dying in Iraq.. at that time I was holding what money I did have for myself and not telling him i had it, and much as I hate not to be transparent, Kat, my therapist had told me this was a good thing.
Anyway I am in the primal shit today, feeling sore and helpless. I had chiropractic yesterday and its not helping me, it knocks my balance off each time.. Reading and listening to Lorna Byrne give a talk on You Tube last night reminded me to seek guidance within and also call for help from the angels. Archangel Michael was constantly telling her to get into nature and put her bare feet in the water.. as an empath this was cleansing for her.. Today I forgot to go sit under the trees on the grass. I need to do that each day as so much grief is flooding out of me right now… I asked for help and I wont get it.. its fair enough. I need to accept this… I am on my own in this life.. and I do not think I am ever destined to meet Scott, at this stage, at least for 2 or more years.. but its all about learning… I just cannot break this ancestral curse right now as hard as I try.