It has been taking me a long time to read Lorna Byrne’s book Angels In My Hair. In the most recent chapter I read Archangel Michael prepares Lorna in advance for her father’s death. He provides her with visions of her father’s entire life in the months prior, almost as if she is watching a movie while also experiencing his feelings, and she is told by Michael this will help to prepare him spiritually for the end of his life. I felt for her. Can you imagine the grief she feels in knowing she will watch her father die soon and must keep that knowledge close to her heart for months?
It bought to mind how hard it can feel at times being close to my only living sister, having both said goodbye to both our Mum and my older sister Judith, seeing this living sister struggle to come alive is especially poignant and heart rending as a result. Also I seem to be the one that holds so many of her memories that two rounds of shock treatment she has endured seem to have obliterated. I try to mirror back the times she was capable and competent as that sense of herself gets so submerged at times and then I fear for her being half alive and not feeling as though life is worth it.. As hard as the process of being alive and struggling to be related to other people can be, other people can cut us down or disempower us at times. But reading this back before posting it who knows if my sister’s journey does not just involved for much of her life spending time in an institution where she is free of the burdens of outside life and can be held and cared for…
For myself these days, I seek all the time those things that expand my energy and being in love and wisdom Knowing death illness and change are part of life that must be faced for peace of mind and moved through has taken me some years of struggle. When I think of how submerged my grief over my father’s loss was for so many years and of the way that played out I realise learning how to deal with the aftermath was all part of my journey.. Something I had to struggle with for many years… To me turning to embrace grief and other feelings (rather than engaging in a long winded internal inner argument with life) is wisdom but so is seeking to find what helps encourages or builds us and others and helps us to pass through these experiences while becoming aware of what things derail the process and stop us from finding a purposeful, engaged pathway through them..
Living means change and loss.. These are just parts of life, they are not enemies to be vanquished… and its okay to not feel capable of the task of feeling our grief at times.. but in time life will demand we find an answer for ourselves, a way of moving through and integrating it, for the failure to do so, in my humble experience, only leads us towards an inner paralysis of such killing proportions that acts in the end only to limit our capacity be fully alive.