There are so many things we do not get to understand.. I question often as humans do we really ever get to be so fully conscious of how much fear narrows our lives and derails us at times and how fear of our own feelings or capacity to deal with them can get us in so much hot water? Sometimes I think I really feared my own light and intelligence and power.. I think of that quote that Nelson Mandela shared that it is not our darkness we are most in fear of but our light and why is it that we allow so much to cripple us, why do we lash out when really we should be opening and embracing to take everything in (even as at times we have to push away that which might be toxic for us?)
I do not know.. I may be going a little crazy today as all of the collective energy bursts through me.. I Just know I got trapped inside some kind of paralysis or deadness for a lot of my life, or else I let my innocent, naive vulnerable heart carry me away on flights of fantasy… Now there is a chance that I may be disinherited or the flow of any money to me cut off.. If Scott makes good the promise to return my money I will be okay, if not I am in hot water but I need to just keep reminding myself there is always a solution. If my brother will not help (as I am not expecting him to) then it will be a liberation, I guess, possibly I will have to break free and sell my property in order to survive in the interim or try to go on welfare.. I do not know and I do not know why I got involved in all of this but somehow it happened and I am surviving through it all.. . God knows so many of us get tough lessons and maybe my mistake lay in expecting things in life NOT TO BE TOUGH.. MAYBE I WAS TOO SOFT, TOO PREPARED TO SUFFER INSIDE THE WOMB, TOO FEARFUL AND SCARED TO TAKE CHANCES. OR JUST FELT FAR TOO INADEQUATE TO EMBRACE CHANGES AND FLOW WITH THEM.. I am just seeing so much lately how fear can block me and also how my own idleness or passivity or fear of fighting meant I did not take action at the right time.
Writing helps me at times like this.. When I am carrying a lot of fear and have no control over what kind of consequences actions I have taken will have.. in the end it is in God’s hands..or just the hands of an unpredictable Universe…. I opened my mouth, maybe at times when it was better to keep it closed.. I took risks to help others when to do so was going to cost me a lot.. but at least I fronted up when I could… sometimes I judge myself for things that came out of self care.. sometimes i shame myself for things that are only just about being human.. at times I feel I failed and I may have not taken the best actions. All I really can do at those times is take responsibility the best way I can… with the tools I have at the time….