Repent at your leisure

This saying came to mind as I was walking Jasper around a few blocks here this morning..I was thinking of decisions we make which at the time seem right but in time become problematic or a source of pain. It seems a lot of my life has been about decisions made, often in impulse, or lacking the right kind of guidance and yet still there was nothing ‘wrong’ about them if they all eventually became a part of my learning and I do believe pain and suffering can be educative that way.

There are other decisions that were more beneficial.. and it is interesting to explore that word De cide which almost is like a pair of scissors where we have to make an attempt to cut the cloth or fabric of our life to a certain size or cut off in a certain direction., leaving another path untaken.

I was also thinking of what I heard someone share at an AA meeting a while back, When she got sober her sponsor told her “you do not know what is good for you right now”, it made me think of how neglect or struggle emotionally can leave us both starving and blinded in some way, for some of us our capacity to make good decisions or to know what is good for us is derailed by a life time of early abuse or trauma, we find ourselves left holding a lot of impulses we do not always know how best to manage and yet I do believe that there is a part of our soul which is like a creative kind of fire and may burn for something that we do need and must find a way to attain or at least incorporate into our lives in some way especially if those fundamental needs got buried or our capacity to meet them in a healthy way got damaged, but we are going to be bound, in that case, to make a lot of so called ‘mistakes’ along the way.

It is interesting with the strong Mars and Venus Pluto themes around us lately I have been giving a lot of thought to my relationships, how i behave in them, and of how, at times it has not been possible for me to relate well to some of my family.. Last year I made a huge effort with my sister’s family who moved here, even though they never reached out and did some things that hurt I rose above it to try and connect but I was also saddened at times to see the way my sister was treated with a lack of understanding, problematic as her behavior seemed at times.. God knows there are times we all fall and need empathy and unconditional understanding.. I saw her also struggling with a very shrunken inner child as well as a voracious inner and outer critic.. I also think the relationship between this second sister and my Mum was very complex, it had a lot of financial elements and I saw my sister being hurt by Mum’s lack of understanding at times, that said they were close and good friends too, so I do think my mother’s death ended up having a huge impact on her, My sister has been hospitalized on and off since Mum died about 4 times by now and has been on endless rounds of chemicals and medication since then, coming ‘right’ for a while (that is, functioning in the superficial world of ‘doing’ while not having been able to process much at all intellectually or emotionally.)

I write about my sister in my blog as I always try to understand my family.. I have been thinking a great deal about my older brother lately too.. We never got to be close as he was so much older when I was born and the entire family dynamic was geared around his various business projects shared with both Mum and Dad.. First there was the steak restaurant they owned which took Mum away a lot of the time and then the construction business that he and my father started when the builder of our new home went bankrupt shortly after commencing construction on it in 1970. After my father died in 1985, as I look back, my brother did make attempts to be there for me.. He encouraged Mum to come and visit me overseas and he visited me with his family for a day. When I got married he wanted to give me away but I ended up choosing my Godfather who I was closer too, as I look back (and it only occurred to me this week) I see he tried to be there several times and I pushed him away, but then my emotions started to burst out in sobriety and he always sided with rationality and ‘control’, he actually told his daughter that he could not relate or talk to me about anything this was after a blow up in which I confronted him about the impact of Dad’s death and he tried to rationalise and blow it off. Yet I see he had a point in saying how he chose to deal (or not deal) with his own feelings around this.. My brother wanted to take me to Judy’s funeral in 2014 but I said I would rather go with her sons and on the final night before Mum died he turned up here at 1 am and woke me from a deep sleep and wanted to take me to the hospital, at that stage I was exhausted after more than 7 years of accompanying her to various emergencies, surgeries and hospital stays that I chose to go back to bed rather than sit there after they had Mum all drugged up and zonked out.. I had been with her the previous 3 nights as she was struggling to stand and being poked with needles and just did not want to be by that bed for a whole day waiting for her to die.. but it may have been an opportunity to get closer to my brother.

I am hashing all of this out in my blog today as obviously these deep waters are being stirred right now and last night I dreamed that my brother was working in the garden of a house I had bought and found it too hard to maintain due to family stress which is interesting considering the last lot of money sent to me to help me with the house repairs has all ended up being sent to Scott..

Repenting at leisure, as an emotionally full person, I may have been able to hold onto those resources for myself and not be facing such a sticky financial situation right now and yet, as I shared all of this with Scott yesterday, there was the need for emotional connection too, that in our family got so fucked up due to all the business/financial/emotional neglect theme. One good thing about this latest struggle with finances is that it is making me very conscious of every single cent I spend and far more appreciative of what I do have..

Today I am glad to say I have love in my life. I notice in myself some days a growing maturity, a capacity to stand in the other person’s shoes and a desire to be active and not half as paralysed as I once was.. I still wake once or twice in the night with huge energy bursts or spirals and voltages spinning my spinal axis.. last night I was stretched from pillar to post with it going on breathing deep breaths before finally settling back to sleep around 5 am. I think I have been eating a bit too much sweet stuff at night as well which does tend to tax my liver and in the Chinese medicine system it is known that waking at certain windows of time relates not only to the detoxing of organ systems but their related emotions.. There is also the fact that during that time the Cerebro Spinal Fluid in our brain is being washed clean of toxins too.. I really felt that flow of the CSF last night and am due for my Sacral Occipital treatment at 2.45 today… somehow I am managing to contain myself in this time of challenge, even over a therapy break… I am feeling saner and more balanced than even 6 months ago… what ever happens I feel I have finally developed the resilience to survive it. and I am no longer blaming myself and others as much but seeing why and how things often ended up turning out in such a painful and difficult way for me in my family and for other family members.

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