Best to wing it alone : a bit of a rant!

The more I go through life, the more I feel we must follow our own counsel.. Especially if you are a creative person you cannot expect that you are going to fit the ‘mold’. The mold is an idea or opinion of your life situation that someone has based on their own perspective but that perspective often cannot know what is right for you.. Choosing not to fit into these molds may be difficult… It may take courage to let people down.. it may take cunning to out step getting hooked by others agendas or negative projections.

I love the book Dark Nights of the Soul by Thomas Moore, in it he speaks of how a dark night of depression may be necessary to ‘wise’ us up to the ways of the world. The truth is that there are people out there who may want to use us for their own ends.. they may sense that we have something they want, they may even envy something we have and try to tear it down or in some way gaslight us to make us feel that quality or attribute is ‘bad’ in some way or wrong.. But that is only the perspective from their point of view and the only one that has to live with the results of someone else’s pressure or advice in the long run is us!

Being too kind can be a defect.. I am sorry to say this but at times being too kind to the wrong people is not good for us if it comes at the cost of loving ourselves and taking care of ourselves.. After years and years and years of worrying about others I am now seeing the futility in that.. I have wasted years behind me to prove it, and yet, in some way I have to see those years not as ‘wasted’ but as what was ‘necessary’ in order to bring me to here..

Many people do not have this lesson, maybe they did not have as many developmental arrests as I did.. Maybe they were more mature.. Its not easy having a 3 or 4 or 5 or 6 year old unconscious inner child running your life…. sooner or later that child is going to get you into trouble in my experience as the childhood wounds are not actually capable of being healed by transferring them onto people, places and things in the present and expecting them to help.. .. I seem to have spent years transferring my childhood wounds onto present situations.. I see the debacle I have gone through with Scott in this light.. Not that I do not care for him, but I should never have allowed myself to keep giving and giving to help someone to the point I emptied myself out so much.. I cry over it to be honest.. I wake with thousands of volts of charge running through my system over it.. I get head pain, heart pain, gut pain over it… inside me there is a lonely child who longed for love from emotionally absent parents but what I did not realise until recently was they were just human beings and they carried so many deficits themselves.. But they also coped with adversity, they fronted up and got on as they had to, its just all of that getting on left so little time for being and relating especially to their youngest child.

These days when my heart and soul aches I try to hold myself.. I give myself the encouragement to go forward, I do not shame my inner child I listen to her, I soothe her, I tell her I am there and will try to make things better, but I also have to remind her at times to be more grounded and realistic about life.. Sadly life does not live up to our childhood dreams and imaginings, people abandon us, they judge us, they block us, the shame us, they dismiss us, they scorn us, they laugh at us, they tell us we are too this or that…all of this only serves to push us back home to self care, self love, better boundaries but by God that process takes so much time….especially for those who so often were told to get back into that narrow box or lane way the forces of society ascribed we should fit into.. And in the end its the internalised forces and voices we have to fight more than any outer ones.. Sadly years and years of conditioning does tend to go so deeply into our unconscious mind that it takes a lot of mindfulness and tons of loving presence to even begin to counter these voices and replace them with new ones.

I listened to a very good sermon by Joyce Meyer a few nights ago. It was about self talk and the way we talk to others.. I guess you could say the talk mirrored the Buddhist idea of ‘right speech’ that monk Thich Nhat Hahn so often speaks of .. when we speak to ourselves we must be mindful of how we do and what we say.. Are we adding o our depression and stress? Do we say mean or unkind things? Are we seeking solutions or only focusing on problems? Does that inner voice speak with the energy of love or of hate? With hope or with despair? When we think of others do we have attacking thoughts, do we call them names, do we judge?….And what emotional energy does that name calling cover over deep inside of our body, mind, heart and soul that needs to be brought up into the light of day to be seen and healed and released into the light and bright air?

Sometimes I find Joyce’s preaching style a bit too intense for me.. At times she seems like a bit of a bulldog but I also see the wisdom of this kind of point of view.. We do need to feel our feelings, we need to understand them, but we also need to be mindful of how we can use our negative thinking to reinforce problematic, destructive or unhelpful emotions or attitudes such as those of victim mentality or self pity.. Even if we were at one one victimised do we now need to stay there? Is there some way to get the anger and the banked up rage out so that it does not have to live down deep inside of us, poisoning us from the inside out? What useful positive purpose can we turn all of that emotion to? Is there a way to clean and polish it to crystal.. even to a crystal wand we can begin to use to pierce through and clarify all of our deep hurt, pain, delusion or confusions?

These are just some thoughts occupying me lately as I continue to seek to rise above my trauma.. I often cry from the lack of understanding shown to me, from the many burdens of my family unconsciousness that it seemed I was in some way ‘doomed’ to carry… The other day in meditation I saw Christ falling three times as he carried his cross.. but he also got help, sometimes it has felt for me that people only kicked me harder in the guts when I was down but bloody hell the fire that left.. MADE ME DETERMINED TO RISE.. AND TO BE RESURRECTED.. SORRY IF I AM SOUNDING ALL EVANGELICAL TODAY BUT ITS WHERE I AM AT THE MOMENT.. THE CRUCIFIXION ALL FEELS SO VERY REAL TO ME RIGHT NOW AT WE MOVE CLOSER AND CLOSER TOWARDS EASTER.

Sometimes I see in that image of Christ crucified an metaphor for what it is to live on earth, a place where suffering is a part of life. where illness is a part of life, where abuse, shaming and misjudgement is -a part of life, where hurt is a part of life, where loss and change are unending parts of life.. And I know along with Henri Nouwen who writes about his own experience of these things as well as about the feelings of separation and aloneness that dogged him for so long that in this life of Jesus or metaphor of Jesus we find a very very very powerful model for the human experience as well as an energy of light to connect to that can help us both to bear as well as to illuminate the darkness. It is very real for me, as the heart of Jesus is and was so often all too real for me at my most broken times when human aid and belief and support just felt all so dreadfully absent and a I felt myself to be abandoned by life.

At such times I remember at no time was Jesus separate from God, and that at no time am I separate from God either,, its just sometimes it feels like I am when no one is present, when no one is open, when no one is listening when no one at all seems to be capable of sustaining a heart that is open to love and to the difficult challenge of embracing the inherent duality of this earthly plane.. which lately seems to be full of so much human confusion and suffering even in the midst of so so much powerful spiritual and natural beauty..

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