Like many of us here on WordPress I would be lost if I could not write each day.. I have kept a journal and been writing since I was very young.. It was a place I had to share my thoughts and externalise a conversation with myself as well as make observations because as a child I always felt on the outside looking at the world, especially with an older family of much bigger adults..
I just went out to get a coffee before the guy I have coming today to build a new fence arrives and even then I was observing, the Timms Coffee rep in the car opposite who pulled into the spot next to me at high speed and seemed a bit frazzled as she filled out a log and checked her phone, the older guy with a mobility problem who was missing his front teeth and on the way to do his morning shopping, the older group of cyclists sitting around talking to each other as they drank their morning coffee.. I like this getting out and being able to be close to people because living alone, as much I can enjoy my solitude at times I just need people and love to feel myself a part of humanity..This got me to thinking of how my Complex PTSD just pulled me back for so long from engagement in the outer world.. that said all of the internal healing time was in some way necessary for me. It is just now I really long to be engaged in some meaningful way with people I am just not that sure right now how to go about it.
I am just surrendering everything in prayer at the moment, letting myself be open to any opportunity that might present itself… I love the work of James Van Praague who is a spiritual medium and his teaching it that everything that happens to us in life has meaning or a teaching or lesson and so often we become resistant, we can hold onto old hurts and we can also become non co-operative.. I know I certainly have been at times, there were times too that opportunities presented themselves but I was too fearful to grasp them, getting a handle on all of my complex fears is taking time.. there is the fear of rejection which often led me to pretend or become a people pleaser, or alternatively be scared to present an opposing point of view or be able to handle criticism well, that is an issue that Joyce Meyer addessed in one of her talks I listened to last night on the way we can create strife for ourselves and others in this life.. For me I also love to be learning and listening to the experience of others who find a more positive, engaged and loving way of being in the world.. That said there is also a lot to be said for being as we are in the world and loving and accepting the way creatin made us.
Anyway all I can say today is I am far more willing to be open these days, to look for opportunities, I am also far more in touch with the part of me that needs and wants to be around people.. it seems that for so long trauma split me off and made me fear relating or reaching out at all, judgments from past pain I used to protect myself or poor reactions kept closeness and connection at bay.. But through it all writing also gave me a way to externalise some of those internal thought, feeling and even judgement processes…
Writing also helped me while grieving….but as much as I love to write in solitude its not really always enough to feed my need for connection and to open my heart and give love.. those are needs I am now learning are very important to me, so it is important that I take active steps to find how best I can fulfill them in the world… for my happiness and meeting of my needs really does depend on me..