The healing we need to find around a relationship can go on, even after a death or the ending of that relationship.. One of the benefits of therapy for me is to be able to share and then have mirrored all the complex feelings I had and absorbed as a daughter of my Mum and to be able to continue to explore after death how they live on and play out and influenced other relationships, such as the one with my siblings. Then there are the feelings we all carried around relationship connections that reach back to ancestors we have an affinity with and who may have passed on issues to us that I also get to address as I listen to myself and feel more deeply within for the resonances and linkages
Today while reading some past posts and poems in therapy with Kat I cried as I realised more deeply what I carried of both Mum and Dad’s and of how in pushing my Mum away at times I ended up getting more hurt and not being able to connect as well with Mum as I would have liked…. It was a good example to read in the book that multigenerational trauma specialist Mark Wolynn wrote that he felt the need after spending time in ashrams and on a spiritual search to go back home and reconnect with his mother in order to understand himself better.. Some of us have toxic parents for sure.. they may have been wounded in many ways and some of us may find it hard, if not impossible to stay connected but I still think there is something to be said for being able stay in relationship while separating emotionally from our parents, siblings or even their children.
I noticed today when I read the poem, it wasn’t your fault that I wrote after the birthday lunch for my sister on Friday to Kat in therapy there was a sadness and longing to be seen in me by her older son that came up.. At times I felt him dismissive and even pushing his own Mum away, in fact wounding her to the point she had another breakdown when really it was a cuddle and recognition of hidden grief that was needed around the anniversary of my father’s loss, and yet he was also grieving the loss of my Dad, as he was only 5 when Dad passed and was so upset as a little boy.. Mum often told how when he found out Dad has passed he said with big sad eyes “he shouldn’t have gone and done that, now he cannot take me fishing.” I am not even sure if he remembers this.. but I do.. I remember too what sweet lovely boy he was and still can be but also how he came to be a bit of a jokester and like taking the mickey out of people… I have recognised lately that sometimes I fear him,.. Kat said today I fear him rejecting me and that is true… He tried to shut me down from sharing about his children in my blog last year even though I said so little about them and all of it was said out of love.
I need to also remember that the shock of my older sister’s aneurysm around this time of year in 1980 actually brought about his early birth.. Sue was pregnant with Ryan and he was due early in March, but he ended up being born on the 23rd just a day or two out from this traumatic event happening in our family.
Anyway I have lost a little bit the track I started writing this post on, it was more the idea that we can always stay open to the possibility of reaching deeper understandings around family relationships and trauma.. With Mercury now moving forward in square to my natal Neptune in Scorpio I am feeling this as it also conjuncts my Mum’s Sun Mercury Saturn conjunction in that sign… lately I am reaching out to my sister more as I know she has a lot of buried feelings too that she often finds hard to articulate around Mum. in fact I was reading a very good chapter in a book I just got on grief called The Grief Survival Guide written by a young man who lost his wife and in this chapter he addresses the issue of becoming an adult orphan when our second parent dies and how complicated that grief process can be by the earlier loss of the first parent and the changes that happened in the relationship to the second as a result.. Loss can layer on loss and the ending of a relationship through divorce can be thrown into the mix as well.. If we were not the one who decided to leave then that can be terrible kind of abandonment.. something Susan Anderson addresses in a lot of her work on how the abandonment wound of divorce can play out for those of us left by a partner in adulthood.
This afternoon I feel grateful for the tears that fell in therapy earlier.. I feel grateful I can feel more love for my living sister now and understand more why she broke down and needed as much hospitalisation as she did.. I do feel sad she had to have shock treatment rather than a cuddle due to the way her family and ours distances itself in grief.. and yet, even this is due to the complexity of complicated grief.. She does not often initiate conversations about Mum and Dad but I do.. I ask a lot of questions these day.. I told her the other day when she asked that often the third child becomes the lost child in families riven with multigenerational neglect, addictive or relational/attachment trauma. That seems to fit for my sister.. she feels very lost at times.. and finds it hard to find words..
I have also seen her try to battle so hard to get out from the inner critic and inner killer.. as an example of this, in the apartment complex she inherited a place in from Mum there is a beautiful pool area, the other day I asked her if she uses it and she said ‘no, I feel too conspicuous there” this made me feel sad.. she cannot even enjoy the pleasure of sitting out under those beautiful huge elm trees feeling the breeze and freedom of that… It just seems so much life has been killed off for both of us due to fear. Anyway I am working as hard as I can to over come all of this and heal the abandonment feelings I carried from my Mum…. I am not running as much as I used to, I am reaching out more.. I am not as much in fear most days.. I am feeling safer, maybe due to the capacity to grieve and having that received in therapy and on my blog things are slowly changing for me.. I pray in some way they start to change for my sister too,, she is a beautiful person and like me she deserves the very best of life.. I am praying God’s grace begins to smile on her more and more this year too nd as she learns to take better care of herself outside hospital she continues to grow too in self acceptance, trust, healing, peace and happiness.