On guilt and becoming

I carry this guilt

Real or unearned

There is not much I can do

When the relentless wave of it

Crashes all around me

I hope you found your peace

Further away from me

God knows it hurt like hell when you left

Thinking it was the kinder thing to do

Unable to help me when I crashed only

Telling me to go home to my family

Not knowing how painful that felt

What a goddam wilderness I entered then

Trains to a place that only led me

So far from any sense of embodiment

Wandering day after day

the winding path of lament

that led from ashram to chapel to monastery

How can I ever explain the pain of it

Head burning

Heart aching

Mind drowning

Under the heavy weight

of so much sorrow

Now I see it all

so far removed

The lonely path I trod

until finally it led me back

to family

Even there no respite from the gaping wounds of neglect

But these ashes

Yes they were the truth of life

So now I must

consider myself brave

Stop being a slave to guilt

know that I am a survivor

Who would not sacrifice these difficult truths

Just to belong

Who would not forget the song of lament

For those who trod before the difficult path

Of life that led our souls to here

Now guilt please let me go

Show me the way to transform the path

Do not let me linger here

Another day drowning in tears

Of useless sorrow

Instead let these tears give birth

To spirit’s wings

And help me to fly

While also learning

How to kneel and kiss the sacred ground

Which slowly

Ever so slowly is giving birth

From deep inside

all of these new seeds

of my becoming