I have been feeling stripped back and raw and vulnerable these afternoons.. I miss my Mum and family, I miss contact with my sister, i cry with longing for my family.. It was good to hear from my brother today, the truth is he was so tied up with work he forgot about everything else.. I did feel love for him and told him to take care of himself.. He has released me some money and I am grateful.. I have no choice but to adapt myself to reality…life on life’s terms.. it is the only way to peace for me and I see how much anger and defendedness actually kept at of feelings of grief and vulnerability at bay.
I got home from the shops too just a short while ago. Everyone seems slow and tired if you have to do anything it takes an age… I had to sit in the queue at the bank as I felt dizzy no one seemed to mind, they just apologised things took so long it took the teller about 15 minutes to serve 3 customers.. Anyway with Saturn on my tail I am up for lessons in patience.. I seem to be finding myself behind learner drivers doing 30 in 60 zones, or the old codger who has his left indicator on but then decides he is going to turn right, that kind of random human thing I have not always been patient with.. I am learning to breathe and sometimes pull back or change my focus..and not get stressed.. How Important Is It?
Scott said last night he knew how upset with him I was and he will take steps to get my money back when he can.. Its cold comfort, I love the guy and would love to meet but at this stage its looking like 2 more years for him.. I have a scab forming on the left side of my head just off to the side of the crown from all of the spiralling and spinning since that last SOT treatment on Friday last.. I am a bit scared to go again on Friday but in some way my body does seem to be settling.. there are moments I am still feeling such a great deal of disorientation, dissociation and then bursts of grief.. the time 4 to 7 seems particularly hard but if I just let myself cry and the feel the disorientation it does pass in time..
I was re reading an old book called Loving an Adult Child of an Alcoholic… it explains how our hypervigiliance dovetails with our fear of being abandoned in relationships.. We see any expression of anger as bad or dangerous. This makes sense of how my brother would respond when I got angry and Mum too. I think Mum was so alone and then when Nana was home she got angry with Mum a lot due to the fact she had no support, not even a war widow’s pension.. that carried down to us.. Dad would be the one staying quiet, Mum may rage and we kids tried to do the best to be ‘good’ or ‘silent’ or whatever.. I have so much fear in me.. that is all I recognise now.. I am even scared of calling my sister.. I miss her a lot and it hurts she doesn’t reach out… I know Al Anon says to let it begin with me.. life feels lonely right now… I know its not the whole truth of things.. Scott always says to me ‘honey you aren’t alone there is never a moment you are out of my heart’ but he is 12,000 miles away… it just feels like a curse but in the end I guess only I can break it.. I am not totally powerless.. that said there can be peace in quiet, even if at times my heart does ache with that deep, old, ancestral loneliness. If I just surrender too it maybe it can flow into another feeling.. Maybe its all just taking time allowing myself to acknowledge how powerless I was over the bad things happening..