There are somethings that need to make us angry, as a wake up call to our spirit. There are somethings we need to hate, even as we recognise we had no control over them, like child abuse or people taking advantage of, hurting and not protecting the vulnerable..There are some injustices that affront our sense of what is morally right and even those we have to acknowledge exist.. There are some truths that hurt, taste bitter or sour going down and yet have to swallow.
Lately I felt a little like I was drowning.. the problem with my hip that led to me not being able to stand or walk for two days, the recognition I had lend all my life savings in the hope of being supported by an inheritance that may not ever be sorted all of this has caused me a lot of fear as well as a lot of questioning my past decision where if I faced my fear more and fronted up to be responsible things may have gone better.. But if there is one thing I have learned and must be absolutely rigorous in facing in my life now, is that I cannot change the past.. I can only learn from it and the life lessons.. What makes me feel anger and hate shows me things about my values and the way I wish to live and align myself. They are calls for action.
I am utterly grateful to be up and walking two days in a row now.. We have been out by 9.30 and 10 am both days and home by after 11. I have not been denying myself my morning coffee, I just like the interaction of having it made for me, sitting with Jasper in the car him having a little of the froth, reading or listening to music..my routine is then to come home and blog.
And last night I felt at least supported by the Universe.. A close family friend who is so upset at the way my brother is not dealing with the disbursement of our inheritance rang.. I had copied her in on an email asking for assistance to pay a rates bill due in two days.. it is a large sum and being frugal I really only have enough money to last me another 4 months.. I was actually crying a lot yesterday, longing for my sister to see me and connect and then while typing this, another miracle my brother rang and he is going to give me some money to tide me over.. so I can at least breathe a bit easier.. I told him of how I collapsed and he listened to me.. I actually cried.. I honestly know he doesn’t have a clue how it is for me and what I go through in my body.. But at least if I know I have that money coming I can finally breathe easier..thank God for my family friend is all I can say she truly is an angel and recognised how vulnerable I am.
There is a time for hate and anger but they never take us that far. in the end holding onto bitterness rebounds against us and yet we need to know what hurts us and stand up to find a voice in some way even if we don’t get heard.. we need to hear ourselves and always keep fighting to find those who will hear us. There is a reason for our feelings.. For me I need to turn the hate and anger around in some way.. I need to use them as a call to power and mobilisation. I have to get that scream of dis-empowerment over what was done to me out of my body, so that I can move on in a positive direction… I must fight but in a positive, life enhancing way.
With Mars on my tail in an earth sign I am trying to ground as much as possible. The accident I had with the head blow often makes me feel I will collapse, its my body mirroring how my psyche so often feels, not adult but babylike in some way but I also know there is a creative element to this as well… I am learning to support myself and not get as bowed under by the negative thoughts either, that so often try to kill off the good or undermine me.. I must self support…I must keep standing up to the negative voices that don’t want me functioning, well healthy, positive or happy.