Fear of death, fear of things being out of control

There is a breathlessness within me lately.. It could be a response to the rising summer heat, we really had a reprieve for most of December, day temps stayed low but over the past week they are soaring again, when my PTSD is bad and sleep irregular (as it has been since seeing that violent movie on Wednesday) sometimes I cannot manage to walk Jasper.. I am trying to accept I balance it all out in the long run.. I get him out most days even if its later due to heat being to intense and remorseless. the heat really brings up a lot of fear for me, especially as I see how parched the landscape is becoming. it feels like we are facing the end of days.. have we gone too far with our rampant materialism and inability to slow down that we have well and truly fucked up the planet?

In any case, writing is calming for me.. It helps me externalise thoughts, many of which may be baseless fears… I had so much rage bursting out of me today over what I have allowed Scott to put me through since June 2018. I really expressed my anger to him on Friday night, its burning me up. If my brother knows we are still in touch he may use that to block my inheritance, I was so financially secure when I met Scott.. I lived within my means. Today I felt as though I was waking from a bad dream and the anger was intense.. I ended up kicking cupboards and poor old Jasper was cowering out near the hedge.. I have never done that kind of violence to my dog…though I hate to say sometimes I have shaken him.

I was listening to a program on PTSD in the police force on Friday and the man interviewed spoke of how most of his colleagues never spoke about the tense and disturbing or traumatic things they saw and had to deal with each day, often just using booze to bury them.. He began to breakdown and explode at a certain point and had to stop working (Just like me). He says now he is more aware of the anger he tries to spend loving down time with his children… he has had to do a lot of work to understand the long range effects of being around so much stress and make necessary changes.. There is a limit to what one human being can cope with, no matter how ‘strong’ we are.

The thing that really enraged me on Friday was I was so vulnerable with our accountant, I was almost pleading for money rightly belonging to me to be released.. I was nearly crying when I told him I could not walk last week but i dont think he understood.. I just feel so fucking invisible right now.

I cut the Kik app again last night.. I want my fucking money back. None of this has been fair.. Scott’s promises.. I know its not his fault the military wont let him go until he pays the final amount for the Security Clearance Certificate, but I WANT MY LIFE BACK….I’ve been caught up in his FUCKING KARMA AND SHIT FOR TOO LONG. THAT IS WHAT OFTEN HAPPENS TO PEOPLE WITH THE SOUTH NODE IN AQUARIUS.. OUR ALTRUISM AND KIND HEART JUST ENDS UP REBOUNDING ON US..WE TRY TO HELP AND GET SUCKED DRY.. I AM JUST SO FUCKING ROPABLE ABOUT IT AT PRESENT..

Mars is going to be squaring my Venus Sun square to Neptune over the next week or too.. I am going have to pace my anger.. I need to stay as calm as I can while not glossing over the anger I feel brewing like Vesuvius in side of me.. its time to be real and not longer sucked up in romantic BS illusions.. Sorry to be blunt but I have had a gut full of it all today.

LInk I just found on panic/fear of death and their relation to the Schmann Resonance

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