I seem to be being bathed in dread this afternoon.. I keep tidying sorting out the fridge and things seem to get even messier, I am consumed by thoughts of how i fucked up and in the midst of this I am cooking dinner.. The bodily pressure has been intense this afternoon, I started to cry a moment ago and it felt like everything was being squeezed out of me.. Its so hot and I am ambivalent about eating, know I will have a reaction as soon as I eat.. I had to write something to calm my mind down.. When I clean out the fridge I am overcome by the amount of packaging that accompanies food these days, how can we go on consuming like this and it not have an impact on the planet?. I also haven’t seen anyone socially since Wednesday, could be a good thing though.. apart from people serving me in the shops.. at times I have thoughts like “what has it all been for?” “What is the true purpose and meaning of my life?” In a moment of sanity a while ago I just had to remind myself its okay just to be living and being, not to get too caught up in my head with all of these thoughts going nowhere.
Writing helps.. I know its not earth shattering stuff but I truly felt I was losing my grip on reality and sanity before sitting down to write this..My body has also not been the same since I had that breakdown last week when I could not walk. The last SOT treatment hasnt helped me sleep as much, my body went a bit haywire after it..
I am also in a lot of apprehension over the Scott issue.. I’ve looked so long to him for my grounding, connection and purpose what do I do now that I am choosing not to interact with him as much? Anyway answers will come in time, I just need to stay open to what I am feeling and if it feels like its crushing me I just have to find a way to survive the pressure.. this could be a Saturn transit… it’s heavy this afternoon I feel like I am seeing through a host of illusions I could not see before.. Like waking up from a bad dream to find a storm has blown through and upended everything.