Complex and complicated grief.

Losing my father when I did, did have a very big impact on my life and the loss was never fully processed, complicated my ability to both attach and bond.. It made me feel responsible for my mother too, so that at that key time I would have loved to have made the break forward with my life, to see my Mum struggling pulled me back and so it was like I got stuck in forward move impulse/pull back emotional suck pattern, at least that is what I have been finding manifesting in my body since I somehow managed to walk with great difficulty following the Chiropractic treatment on Friday..

Honestly if that lovely older gentleman did not extend his arm in compassion to help me that afternoon I feel I would not make it to the appointment.. The hardest thing was I called my sister that day to say I was struggling and had made the appointment but did not know how I was going to make it there.. She just said to me “I don’t know what to say” there was no offer to come and drive me (not that I asked) And to be honest about another thing it was following a call I got from her on the Wednesday in the morning after over 3 weeks of not speaking and then seeing the program that awakened the grief over Dad that this major ‘attack’ happened. To be honest today I felt almost psychotic with anger over how my family never got it, while another part of me knows its not personal and they dont face their own feelings so how can they give me something they don’t have? But this means feelings are complex… How do I cope with being so invisible to them emotionally?

When I told my sister how much pain I was in and she offered no help I started to get the most intense pain in my left hip. I had to say I needed to go and end the conversation. (in her defence I know she is not in a strong place at all lately herself) Luckily my niece in law called me by some miracle on Friday (this often happens as she seems to be so tuned into me emotionally and spiritually.. she believes in angels too and was the one who told me about Irish mystic Lorna Byrne whose book Angels in my Hair really spoke to me and especially about the guilt I carry over the 6 terminations of pregnancy. this came up when we spoke as I said the pain deep inside my left hip and all through the lower abdomen was at times bringing up the feeling of the sucking that happens on the womb as they perform these procedures often under only a local anaesthetic. ) It really helped me to talk to Laura as she really gets how much I have been through and shows me so much empathy.

I have to remember that as well as my father’s death there were the losses of those two babies in the two years before he became ill. My Dad’s inability to bond and connect and be emotionally available to me left me struggling in so many ways I see that now.. I just carry so much wounding.

That said I know there is happier joyfilled Deborah too.. I have spent time with her in recent years..I ache for wanting to be alive but sometimes the force of death just pulls on me.

Today by miracle of miracles Jasper and I managed a decent walk.. It was very hard going with what was going on inside my body but I managed it.. I am not having coffee at the moment either, this is a trial to see if I sleep better without it.. so today despite feeling exhausted and depleted I went to get veggies, came home, made a salad, listened to Sade who I loved and alternated between activity and rest while cleaning out the fridge.. I watched a little afternoon tele and when my body felt tired i took myself off to rest.. I had no problem relaxing as I normally do and I got 2 hours sleep. I did get another attack around 6 and 8.. it was replaying of head trauma and relates to my gut isssues between the gut head trauma.. it gives you so much nausea from then on and makes digesting very hard as you are always feeling everything going on like a trauma fire!

I cannot tell you want a relief it was to finally be able to sleep last night after three night where I think I may have managed just 3 hours sleep.. I literally could not find a position to lie in that did not hurt me and had to keep constantly trying to drag myself around, due to my left leg not working at all.. At times having to crawl on all fours in order to get to the loo….poor old Jasper just watched all of this going down not really knowing what to do… Anyway I FINALLY GOT SOME SLEEP….

God knows I dont want to live in grief or pain forever but feelings must be felt.. they must be made real…. Valued followers have given me good insight into what seemed to be occurring after Uranus moved forward and as Mars began to join it in the sign of the earthly body, Taurus.. last night I did a not of inner child/gut tuning in.. My inner child told me she hates the effect coffee has on me and tries to tell me this over and over but I dont seem to listen.. so today I listened and I did not have the coffee. I also got the sense that a long time ago in my family I abandoned my body.. I got to see in meditation a few nights ago that I shut down and struggled with expressing my sexuality and then had the accident.. I never had an open loving sexually healthy relationship even with my ex husband. I experienced moments of that wonderful ecstasy with my last partner Phil and despite our challenges I did at times really experience the joy of being alive with him in the moment.. I see that it was my unresolved grief over Dad that even destroyed that relationship but my therapist will say Phil also lacked the ability to attune inwardly to me in my place of hurting.. It is the anniversary of that relationship finally ending in 2011 that is around me at present as well… Things went haywire when I came back home without him and messages got mixed up…all meant to be of course but yet another source of pain… I am still working through so so so much….I know it is a process..

I also know there maybe hope I have to keep reaching as hard as I can for hope of a brighter future because today as I rested before the calmer rest of 2.30 pm that led to sleep I felt that horrible energy of loveless depressive no hope wanting to crush my soul or grind me to ash.. I also felt it manifest yesterday in an attack where it was pinning me down and hovering over me. while I was shouting “let me up” but this was also a PTSD trauma flashback of coming to after the 2005 crash to see a paramedic hovering over me.. I came to on the way to emergency but lost time along the cycle ride home following the cranio sacral treatment to deal with the last accident of 1979..and do not remember consciously hitting my head.. but my body does..replays the the thrown and spun theme most night around 5 om when it happened…the 1979 crash occurred only a few days before my father’s 59th birthday (I will be 59 next year.) I now know how young 59 is and my Dad only lasted another 6 years…I have to do all in my power to stand up to this fucking killing crushing energy and tell it to back the hell off. I can not, must not, will not allow it to overpower and cripple me and steal a sense of power..

I know I have rambled on in this post.. Reading it back its not very cohesive and all over the place but even that is something I am pulling myself up on lately.. Things are messy, they are not always cut and dried.. I cannot always feel I have it together but I would still love a life more manageable.. with some kind of happiness.. my hopes of that all lie with Scott who always reminds us we have a bright future. (though rereading this the hope comes when I open and reach again).

I cried today while listening to Sade imagining us dancing as we look in each others eyes and touch each others hands.. God knows 3 years of a purely text relationship is almost too much.. Maybe it won’t happen maybe we will have to let each other go .. God knows he hates hearing I am in so much pain.. feels so much guilt for adding to it all… and at the same time dealing with so much going on over there.. At least I know he will be out of Africa in February.. If he doesn’t get off then he will be being sent to do his next deployment in Iraq.. That is a combat situation not peace keeping like with protecting civilians from Boko Haram so it may be far harder for us to be in touch two times a day over 5 days.. Never the less there is an even deeper ache for me at times.. Knowing the man I love exists but is not here.. sensing that maybe I have to reach for a person who is actually able to be here soon.. because even Scott says to me all the time.. it is not fair on me to be so alone in all of this as I am.. and yet this is how it is for me at present.. God knows life is not easy.. never never easy. Maybe the answer lies in another direction. Helping others bring a force fir change and love. I will keep praying keep hope alive. 💙🦋

3 thoughts on “Complex and complicated grief.

  1. Hope 2021 is treating you well Deb. As I wrote in my post today: It would be your best year ever. May God help you get rid of all the past pain and hurt 💖🤗

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