What price holding onto the hurt?

My left hip was in agony today, the gardener came and so Jasper and I got blocked from an earlier walk. When we finally got it I was just crying in loneliness, grief and pain, then we got back to the car and my phone rang and it was my sister.. She told me she got home from the coast a few days ago but forgot her phone at the coast and had to wait for a family friend to get it to her.. I felt all of the hurt inside over Christmas but it was not possible to vocalise it in words to her, I only told her I have been struggling and how hard I find this time of year. .She said to me ‘you really need to get down to the coast sometime soon’ this just brought up a flood, it was at this time of year when Dad was still alive following my accident in September 1979 that we went down for the summer in 1980. Due to PTSD I do not remember much as in later years Mum reminded me how one of our friends there nicknamed ‘Fang’ of all things carried me down to the beach as it was still hard for me to walk.. Sue was pregnant with Ryan then, her oldest, the one who I see as having ‘taken over’ the coast house. and it was the shock of Judy’s aneurysm on the 22 or so of February that bought on his birth.. So much trauma in a window of six to seven months..

I have to realise my younger family will never get how it was for me, what I endured. The way I had to try to just press on burying it all and run because more help would have been given a trauma survivor coming out of such an accident in these years.. However, the Moon today is currently about 2 degrees out from the conjunction both with the Sun and Pluto so its no surprise I am crying so much and in bodily pain around the hip which was swung due to the 3 months in skeletal traction and the pain of the head injury following in 2005. My sister isn’t to blame for my head injury she was just innocent after Jonathan left me to all of the banked up emotion that lay dormant in me and today I was missing my sister. she is my flesh and blood and she always stays quiet and listens when I pour out my pain… if she ran all over me in 2004 maybe its because she just didnt have a clue what I was going through..

There has been so much to carry alone.. There may have been a way to seek help before Jonathan left me out of desperation in 2004 as I was in limbo and trying to find a way forward after two years of therapy that got aborted after my Mum and older sister were undergoing so much around the Saturn Pluto opposition in 2001 and I felt that horrendous pull to come back to be here while longing so much to be distant too and birthing my own separate life. Maybe it was me that kept myself alone because of the fear others could not respond to the depth of it all. I only know things do happen as they happen, life is never perfect and we have to do the best we can to get through despite all of the trauma hurt and pain we go through.. No matter the pain we need to keep reaching deep for love even if that is the love to embrace hurting self and the ignorant or oblivious selves of others we long to be seen and made real by in compassion and self compassion…

I was grateful for the call to be honest. I was in a lot of pain before my sister called I was even doubting the presence and love of my parents from spirit and we had a long and quiet lovely chat.. Some of it was about mundane stuff like cooking and films and such but it was nice when letting the old hurt go to feel a lifting and a lightening. It may be magical thinking reaching towards that connection to sustain me in the dearth or absence of other connections but at time the love flooding from the spiritual plane feels so real.. I know this period is a hard one.. January has a lot of anniversaries.. of loss so so so so much loss….But those losses belong to me, even if some of them are shared and so I have to take responsibility for them.. That is all I know today.. I will always long for the love and seeing eyes of my family, but often the later maybe denied me maybe its too self centered to even hope for it.. Or maybe its up to me to try, at least in some small way to express some of the hurt where ever and when ever I can so my body does not have to carry all of this pain silently.

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